Don’t settle for less just because it’s available. I think all of us have settled at least once for a relationship we knew wasn’t working. This could be even in friendships where your friends are toxic and only bring drama into your life. If you improve your self-love, you come to realize that no person is worth losing your happiness. You don’t have to be quick to person off as Cardi B would say but at least if you notice a bad pattern, you should be strong enough to say I deserve better.
Don’t try to force something to work despite red flags. Again I can raise my hand for partaking in this one as well. I’ve dating people who I knew had some qualities that I didn’t like as I was ignoring those red flags because overall, they were “nice guys”. Don’t fall in the trap of rationalizing people’s behavior. If they have bad habits and are not wiling to change, be strong enough to let them go.
Don’t allow someone to not prioritize your presence in their life while you have made them a priority in your life. Simply stated, you can’t force someone to love you let alone love you the right way. If someone thinks that texting you once in a while and never consistently making an effort to be in your presence, then nip that in the nub. I’ve dated a workaholic who was like this so due to his work schedule, we couldn’t plan things ahead like vacations etc. However, it came to a point where I realized if this person is not really prioritizing me right now when we’re young with no kids, then things will even be worse if we get married. So another tip would be to analyze somebody’s behavior now and put it in perspective of your future married life.
Don’t date someone who is only focused on the physical you unless that’s what you’re looking for as well. I think this is especially relevant in the summer season where people are just looking to have fun and not be tied down. If you ignore this rule what usually ends up happening is you falling for someone who is not emotionally available. Be true to yourself and know what you’re looking for so you don’t just accept whatever comes along.
Don’t accept someone who doesn’t know how to love you through your love languages. There’s a questionnaire you can take to learn what your top love languages are (I will leave the link below). For example, my top love languages are “acts of service”, “receiving gifts” and “words of affirmation”. I usually make it a point now to share my love language information with the person I am with so they know what type of love really resonates with me. Vice versa, I also ask that they complete the questionnaire so I can know theirs as well. I will admit that despite sharing this information, some people still don’t step up to the plate because they are not romantic enough or are just not trying. So once you recognize that someone isn’t making the effort to love you the way you want to be loved, you should be courageous enough to walk away and look for something better. 🙂 ❤
Love language questionnaire link (Free) : http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t watch the full royal wedding ceremony mainly because I love my sleep. It was all over by the time I woke up yesterday but I definitely kept up with the course of events via instagram and twitter (twitter is my happy place by the way). I think the most interesting part about the royal wedding is not the ceremony but more so the love story between Meghan and Harry. Their love story has taught me a lot and I’ve decided to share the 5 main things that have stuck with me about this beautiful union of interracial, intercontinental, and intersectional love.
Meghan is a divorcee and yet she still managed to find a man who loves her enough to break customary tradition. Imagine how she probably felt after the failure of her first marriage, just hoping that it wasn’t too late to find love again. Then not only does she find love but love with odds against her. Then despite these odds, Harry still chooses her. Ladies and gentleman, I am surprised a meteor hasn’t come crashing to earth yet because this story is so wild and beyond my imagination. The point from this is you should never allow someone to tell you that they can’t be with you because of their family or because of their title, career, etc. If someone wants you, they’ll move heaven and earth to be with you.
You should never beat yourself up over a failed relationship, marriage, etc. I am sure walking away from her first marriage was not easy for Meghan. A lot of people are seeking inspiration from her relationship with Harry. However, there’s a deeper message from her first relationship. The message to me is that you should never settle for less than what you desire and what you deserve. Somewhere deep in Meghan’s heart, she knew that her first husband was not fulfilling her life in the way she wanted and instead of settling for complacency, she stepped out to look for something better. That hope is something we can all believe in (sorry for stealing your tag line, Obama). During most of my break-ups, it’s always because I realize that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with said person. I am sure Meghan wishes she had realized that before marrying her first husband but it’s better late than never. So don’t settle for less. Look for the person who sets your heart on fire and makes you feel down right amazing.
True love always comes on time. This is something my dad actually taught me. If you the love that has come to you is not fitting into your life and seems to have come at the wrong time, it’s not true love. True love comes when your heart and life is ready to experience it. If this fairy tale love had come earlier for Meghan (let’s say in her 20s), she probably would have never been fulfilled in her acting career because she would have been forced to give that up to be part of British royalty. So yes she’s 36 years old and this love is just on time. She’s not the only woman who was in her mid-thirties and unmarried. Best believe, she won’t be the last. So if some of us are destined for the same, don’t curse your life. Don’t hurry love, you never know what destiny has in store for you (hopefully a prince lol).
Be true to yourself. Even if you are marrying a prince, your life is still yours. If you want to walk down the aisle in a simple wedding dress and bare minimum makeup, do you baby. While the world was watching and expected extravagance, Meghan chose to stick to her own personal style. That in itself was a pretty bold move despite the simplicity of her look. Also note, that Harry still looked at her like she was wearing a decadent Victoria secret fantasy lingerie set. I guess you can amp this up by wearing a potato sack to your wedding and seeing if your man looks at you the same (haha I am just joking). But anyway, moral of the story is be unapologetically you.
Lastly, love knows no rules and no boundaries. There’s an African proverb that says “If you stay where you were born, you’ll end up marrying your cousin.” I paraphrased this quote but essentially it means, you should always look for new experiences, new places to see, and new people to meet. If you network very well, you have a higher probability of meeting possible suitors. As you all probably know, Meghan and Harry met through being set up on a blind date by a mutual friend (that friend is the real MVP by the way). Through new experiences, Meghan is now living across the pond with a prince as the Duchess of Sussex. Cue God’s plan for the millionth time.
And with that, I’ll leave you with a final quote shared during the wedding ceremony. 🙂 ❤
“If humanity ever captures the energy of love, it will be the second time in history that we have discovered fire.” – Bishop Michael Curry
So I learn a lot from my readers, especially my male readers who are quick to tell me what the male perspective is on certain topics such as cheating, marriage, and dating in general. As such, this blog has been due for a while now. I admit that I didn’t write it up sooner because I couldn’t figure out how to not water down the words of my male readers. Well, the lightbulb went off today and decided to share their words in the raw form. Word for word. No filters. I share my thoughts underneath the quotes so you can get my perspective but this post is not about me. It’s about the men. So without further ado, here are the top 5 comments about dating from my male readers.
“Yeah women do take advantage of nice men but at the end of the day it’s them who lose. The guy might be damaged for some time but we always pick up the threads.”
I agree with this sentiment that nice guys may finish last but they actually win the race.
“The thought that someone you trust with your life can be so casual with your heart is not something I’d wish on anybody but unfortunately that’s the world we’re living in hence, the need to protect oneself.”
The first relationship advice that my dad gave me was “don’t give your heart to anyone.” In my opinion, I don’t give my heart easily but I can sometimes rush in to love like a fool so it’s definitely smart to not wear your heart on your sleeve when it comes to dating.
“Most females actually have their guards on. It’s like they don’t trust no matter how a guy tries due to past relationships.”
I think a lot of guys complain about this but you must understand the quote “once bitten, twice shy.” We would be fools not to protect ourselves after being hurt. However, ladies please don’t build a Great Wall of China around your heart. Maybe a little fence might do.
“I think Kenyans we get confused here in the U.S. We love our own but yet we act like we are trying to rediscover each other.”
The guy who made this comment has proposed that we need a forum of Kenyan women vs men in the diaspora when it comes to dating. If you’re in support of such a forum, please comment below and propose which city this should be held.
“The older, I get, the more I realize how corrupt the institution of marriage has become especially in 2018. I’m yet to see a happily married couple. I think after the initial excitement is over, people just tolerate each other.”
The man that shared this perspective went on to say that he has been in “numerous relationships some of which would’ve ended up in marriage”. Also, he recognizes that his “feelings are subject to change” as he is “still evolving”.
Thank you reading. As always, the comment section is open for further thoughts. 🙂 ❤
I recently saw a video of Will Smith explaining how he and his wife were reflecting on the revelations they discovered about love during their marriage. The main revelation that Will shared is that he and Jada realized that your spouse cannot be responsible for your own happiness. He continues to share that someone can make you laugh or make you feel good but no one can make you feel happy. Happiness is one’s responsibility. The minute you place that responsibility on someone else is when you set yourself up for failure.
Will Smith even claimed that the concept that two people become one during marriage is a fallacy. As Frida Kahlo would say, you are the subject you know best so you are best suited to meet your needs. You are on your own journey while your spouse is on theirs. Your role should be supportive like a cheerleader and less of a “parental role”. I think this is why a lot of people complain later in life that they gave up their dreams for their spouse. If you’re trying to be one then merging both of your goals, desires, and interests is not going to be seamless. If you let your partner pursue their goals while you also do the same, there will probably be more success and less resentment in the relationship.
Lastly, Will stated that when you both you and your partner come to each other as full cups already fulfilled with your happiness then the relationship is more fruitful. I’ve noticed over the years in my parent’s marriage that when they both have their hobbies and time to themselves, they are a lot happier with each other. So yes I think Will and Jada are onto something. Maybe that’s why they’ve also aged so well. Low stress and happy marriage probably does equate with better aging so I will be taking this message to heart. If you’re interested in watching the clip of Will Smith discussing this topic, please see the link below. 🙂 ❤
Physical attraction. It’s a primal instinct that is embedded in our DNA. Some women like myself prefer tall men cause they make us feel protected while some men prefer women who have more cushion because they are seemingly more ripe for childbirth. Despite our evolution from hunter gatherers to smart phone users, physical attraction still remains as a primal need in relationships and our social interactions. The question is: does physical attraction really matter?
In my humble opinion and from my observations, the answer is yes. If you’re not physically attracted to someone, you are 95% less likely to take them seriously as a potential partner (hence the friend zone). This phenomenon makes us shallow as humans but what we forgot is that us humans are also animals. In the animal kingdom, there’s a lot that goes into attracting a suitor (mating calls, feather arrangement, scent etc). Similarly, a person’s voice, scent, and dress also factor into our attraction to them. I don’t think this is anything to be ashamed of. if anything, we should embrace our senses in terms of how they can help us end up with the right mate.
The flip side of the coin is that as much as we have to be aware of the physical, logic should always trump primal instinct. For example, if a woman looks like Beyoncé but has the intelligence of a 5th grade drop-out, then your logic should inform you that such a match will not survive the test of time. Similarly, women who pick men based on how much money he has are setting themselves up for a lonely marriage because those dollar bills won’t keep you warm at night.
Simply stated, your head (eyes included) and your heart should be in agreement at the partner that you select. As I’ve probably stated before, I believe that love is a choice so please make the right choice for your whole self.
FYI: I have now organized the journal part of this blog into four sections: dating & relationships, lifestyle, music, lessons learned, and school. I hope this makes your readership easier 🙂 ❤
This coming Wednesday is Valentine’s Day which is one of the highly debated holidays in our society. Some say its a capitalist exploit of love. Others say it’s the only holiday that celebrates romantic love. Most critics usually claim that they show their love to their partner 365 days a year and therefore, Valentine’s day is unnecessary. I think my stance is probably a mix of both. I don’t think Valentine’s day is that important but neither are some of the other holidays we have (Columbus day) yet we still choose to observe them. Either way, the most important thing on Valentine’s day and any other day is to understand what love is as well as what love is not. Therefore, I have come up with 10 personal descriptions of what love is to me.
Love is when my dad clipped my shoe laces in high school because i was lazy and refused to tie my shoe laces when they came untied.
Love is when my mom wakes up at the crack of dawn when we’re hosting parties so she can make all the amazing food that we love.
Love is when my little brother gives me the biggest teddy bear hugs just because.
Love is when my older brother made sure i had spending money in high school.
Love is when my sister in law gifts me all her nice clothes that she no longer wears.
Love is when my baby niece screams with excitement when she sees me after a long time apart.
Love is when my grandfather’s brother (Guka Ndogo) took care of his wife for 40+ years when she went blind. Despite being 95+ years, he died only after his wife passed away. Their renewal of vows on their 50th wedding anniversary was actually featured in the Daily Nation, Kenya’s premier newspaper.
Love is when my best friend would give me numerous car rides in high school when I didn’t have a car. Also, I can never forget that she’s attending 95% of my family’s graduations.
Love is when I take myself out to get a massage and take time out to treat myself.
Love is when I put my heart and soul into writing a blog post that touches someone’s life. On that note, I love all the feedback I get from those who read my blog.
I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s day whether you celebrate it or not! 🙂 ❤
They say that college is the last place where you’ll have as many opportunities to meet your future mate. So clearly this presents a challenge for those of us who are still single after college. Leaving an atmosphere where there are lots of people available to mix and mingle definitely makes dating after college a lot of harder. Last year I wrote a post about why I don’t really like dating apps like Tinder but this year I can actually say that dating apps can be really useful depending on how you use them. My main grievance on dating apps is that they seem to rush people into getting into a relationship without knowing the person really well. However, after using a dating app known as Bumble that empowers women by requiring women to message the guy first, my mentality has changed (fyi, you can also use bumble to meet people for friendship and not for dating). So let me breakdown my strategy on how you can overcome the struggles of dating after college.
Become more involved in your community. Whether that means joining a volunteer group, church, or whatever tickles your fancy, please do yourself a favor and get out there. You can’t meet anyone while locked up in your house.
Don’t be afraid to make the first move. If you like someone, ask for their number and invite them to hang out sometime. If I am trying to make friends, I usually invite people to play tennis with me. Playing a sport is a great way to know someone and how they deal with frustrations, wins, losses, etc. Also, it definitely helps your heart health lol.
Have an idea of what you’re looking for. Before I started using Bumble and put myself out there to date people, I sat down and typed up a list on my phone detailing what qualities my partner MUST have and qualities I am willing to compromise on. For example, one of my must haves is “a sense of humor” and a quality I am willing to compromise on is height (don’t get me wrong, I like giraffe height just like the next girl but that’s now what makes someone a good person).
Employ the theory of multi-marketing in your dating life. Multi-marketing is what a lot of self-employment scams are made of: basically, you sell a product to your family and friends while also trying to get them to join you in selling the same product. The person who actually owns the product gets a lot more out of it than the person who is selling it. So my friend, meet people and allow other people to take notice of you (the product in this case). The more people you engage with, the better chance you have that you’ll get a customer. So don’t stick to one potential mate in the beginning stages of dating. Date at least two people at one time (if you can handle it) so that you’re not so disappointed when it doesn’t work out with one of them. If you can’t date multiple people at once, at least try to have other options.
Work on yourself if you are not finding what you’re looking for. I got this tip from a friend and I think it’s a great tip that also goes along with some awesome advice from my father. My father believes that it is better for things to fall into your plate at the right time. Just like a meal starts with an appetizer, entree, and finishes of with a dessert so does your life. So it is better to have your dessert when your ready. In this case, relationships are like desserts so take your time finding the right partner for you. Never rush into things just because you feel lonely. Focus on yourself and practice self- love no matter whether you’re single or taken.
Well, that’s all folks! I wish you all the best in finding and creating love in your life. ❤ 🙂
Hello class. My name is Professor W and today I will be teaching you how to slide into someone’s DMs (direct messages) without making a fool of yourself. I am quite experienced in this because I am the kind of girl that doesn’t blink twice at a guy and expect him to understand that I like him. When the blinking fails, I do what the internet has emboldened us to do these days, a practice known as sliding into DMs, which is the modern version of throwing a rock at the person you fancy. I am so excited to talk to you about this because I’ve experienced some terrible DM sliding in my few years of dating life. In order for you to better understand, I’ll break this lesson into two parts: the first being a case study of a very successful relationship that started from the DMs and the second part being a list of major tips to follow when being a DM slider.
Case Study: Banky W and Adesua Etomi
If you are not African, you might not have heard of Banky W (a successful musician and actor) or Adesua Etomi (a beautiful and intelligent actress) who are a Nigerian whose nuptials are the current craze on the continent. To give you the full picture of successful DM sliding, please refer to the amazing pictures below of their glorious weddings…yes weddings because African usually do two weddings (Traditional African wedding and White Western wedding).
I am going to give you a minute to take all that in. Yes both weddings were conducted in Africa, the latter being beside the glorious Table Mountain in Cape Town, South Africa. For each wedding, Adesua had a minimum of 3 outfits all glorious and very original (for example, have you ever seen the bridal party wear all black for a wedding? I’d guess not). Anyway, let me get away from my obsession with their weddings and move on to the meat of the story which is how Adesua and Banky started dating. I am sure you would probably not think that their relationship started from the DMs but yes it did ( my source is Adesua herself who dedicated a post to Banky describing how she kind of friend zoned him initially but now he is her whole world, the man she prayed for, etc). I am sure my male readers are rolling their eyes right now thinking “yeah yeah we know nice guys finish last, tell me how to finish first”. In my opinion, dating for marriage is a long game. Banky W clearly knew this because when Adesua said hey thanks for sliding into my DMs but I am not looking to date, he decided to be her friend and according to Adesua, he became her #1 fan. According to some sources, Adesua was in another relationship when Banky approached her but I can’t vouch for that information because it didn’t come from her. Regardless, the fact that Banky decided to get to know her some more while waiting for the best time to take the friendship to the next level shows that he is a wise man. It also shows that he slid into her DMs without disrespecting her or her possible relationship at the time. This leads me to my first major tip for successful DM sliding.
Don’t be too forward. I’ve experienced a particularly horrible DM sliding where a guy was telling me that he wanted to raise his kids in my home country, Kenya, and how he wanted to buy me shoes. First of all his approach came off as him trying to show off his wallet and assuming that he can have me because he can afford me. Also, him talking about kids so early was just off putting. So the lesson here is to never sound like you’re completely obsessed with the person you’re trying to court. Start with something light like “hey I noticed your last selfie was at a museum, can you tell me which museum that was?” With such a smooth intro, it’s then easy to move to ask the person out on a date or hang out, perhaps at one of the places you saw they like.
Be yourself. I think this is another tip that a lot of people forget despite how obvious it is. This is especially common with girls who usually ask their girlfriends what to say to the guy they’re trying to talk to. I’ve also experienced this with a guy who tried to spit poetry to me during his DM sliding and he sounded like a bootleg Shakespeare (like the bootlegs where the movie hasn’t even been edited before you see it). I think it’s very easy for someone to notice that you’re not talking like you usually do so please stop trying to get friends to write what you should say. If the person doesn’t respond to what you say then at least you know you’re not compatible.
Proof-read your messages. Unless you’re writing slang like holla or whatever, It looks weird when you misspell simple words like “beautiful” or “fantastic”. If you’re not a good speller, then draft your message in a note taking app or look up words when you are not sure about the spelling. I am guessing most of my readers are educated people so please use your education to good use and spell properly. I think this is my worst pet peeve especially when I am in Kenya where some people think it is fashionable to shorten words like good night to good n8e or some variation of that. English is an official language of Kenya please write it properly.
Respect people’s time. My greatest fear in relationships is wasting my time. Unfortunately in relationships, you can’t reclaim your time as easily like Maxine Waters when other congressmen ramble on her time. However, you can always try to be fair. If you know, you’re too busy for a relationship don’t start talking to people just to pass your time and waste their time. Be fair and tell people hey I am just looking for someone to talk to, nothing serious, because I am very busy right now. Simple as that. Being a nice person is not rocket science. Do better. Don’t waste nobody’s time including yours.
Communicate. Communicate. Communication helps any relationship whether it be friendship or marriage. We hear it all the time but I don’t think we truly get it. Communication can be as simple as telling someone “hey sorry I didn’t respond to your message until now, I just woke up from a three hour nap” to “hey I am also dating other people, I hope you are okay with that”. I think the more we communicate, the less we hurt ourselves and others. Communication also ties back to respecting people’s time because honesty is a big component of both. So yeah listen to that little voice that tells you to do the right thing. Also listen to a woman when she tells you NO. Don’t keep pursuing her. If she says, let’s be friends, then play the long game and be her friend. If you can’t do that, then leave her alone. As they say in the medical field “above all, do no harm”.
I hope this lesson helped to provide some insight on how sliding in DMs should be done. Sliding in DMs is not a competitive sport so don’t be that guy who hits up 40 different chicks with the same “hey beautiful” line. Let’s all pledge to do better. Thank you Adesua and Banky W for showing us the way. I hope your marriage will be filled with longevity and happiness. : ) ❤
Time really does fly by but I think it is always important to take time to reflect on lessons learned. Reflection reduces your chances of making the same mistakes over and over again. So here are the lessons I’ve learned so far in my relatively young life:
Sometimes you have to be selfish. Before you have kids, you are the most important thing in your life. So slow down and take time to smell the roses.
Most things that you go through in life are temporary so don’t be alarmed by the ebb and flow of life.
This one is a typical African parent proverb but I found it to be true: the roots of education are bitter but the fruits are sweet. And again school is a temporary thing so just do your best and get that diploma and/or degree.
Friendships and relationships go two ways so will probably grow apart with many people but there is no need to beat yourself up about it.
As much as we all have people that we look up to, we should always keep in mind that humans are inherently flawed. No one is perfect, including yourself, so don’t be so hard on others ( this life thing doesn’t come with a manual).
I hope you enjoyed these lessons that I have learned in my life so far, I will definitely update them as I get more life experience. 🙂 ❤
Rihanna, as we all know, exudes the most carefree spirit in Hollywood if not the world. Women want to be her and men want to be with her. I won’t say that I am happy that she had that fiasco with Chris Brown but I will say that it did seem to bring an edgier side of her. I believe her album after that event was called “Good Girl Gone Bad” which increased her appeal significantly. Despite “going bad”, Rihanna is still one of the most philanthropic people as evidenced by her Clara Lionel Foundation and a humanitarian award. I think that this mix of caring for others but still having a “care free attitude” is the formula that steals our hearts and coins (hello fenty beauty) for queen riri.
4. Priyanka Chopra
Most of you probably have seen Priyanka on the recent tv show Quantico which is a popular hit. However, Priyanka has been gracing screens for a long time now as one of the queens of Bollywood. I watch quite a number of Indian movies so I’ve been familiar with Priyanka for a long time. She is a very talented actress and as you can see, she’s also a very beautiful woman. As a former miss universe, her beauty is definitely world class but she is more than just her looks. I think what I find most attractive about her is her infectious smile and seemingly warm personality. Priyanka also volunteers with Unicef with her latest trip being in countries in Africa. I am so glad she made the transition from Bollywood to Hollywood as the whole universe should get to know Priyanka.
3. Meagan Good
I think if you asked any black man for his top 5 crushes, Meagan Good would be on that list. She has knock out good looks and a seemingly sweet personality. I’ve actually watched a few of her interviews and her vocabulary was impressive (ya girl is well read lol). I also like that you’ll never find any Rated R pictures of Meagan Good cause she actually is that good girl that you can take to mama. If you don’t believe me just ask her husband who just happens to be a pastor. I might be reaching here but I think if you squint your eyes just a bit, me and Meagan could be twins lol.
2. Michelle Obama
I am sorry Michelle didn’t make it to number one but for a woman that’s 50+, I think #2 is impressive. I think impressive is actually the best word to describe Michelle. As a woman who came from a lower middle class family but ended up in Princeton, Harvard, and the White House, she is A+ impressive. Her class, her grace, her intelligence, and her voice is unparalleled. Despite having a lot on her plate, she’s also aged really well. She was a wonderful first lady and I can’t wait to see what she does next.
LOS ANGELES, CA – FEBRUARY 12: Recording artist Beyonce performs onstage during The 59th GRAMMY Awards at STAPLES Center on February 12, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images for NARAS)
LOS ANGELES, CA – FEBRUARY 12: Recording artist Beyonce performs onstage during The 59th GRAMMY Awards at STAPLES Center on February 12, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images for NARAS)
What can I say about Queen Bey that nobody has said already? To be honest, I was an anti-Beyoncé stan for the longest but that was during my times of not wanting to be part of the hype. Most of the time, hype clouds judgement so I thought that the Bey hive was just drunk in love with Bey’s kool-aid. But I have to admit, ya girl Bey is probably the most talented entertainer right now. Ya girl sang and performed while she was pregnant- most people can barely do either of those things while not pregnant lol. So yes Beyoncé deserves all the hype. She’s your classic girl next door that you know will always be out of your league but you can’t help rooting for her anyway.