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7 things I learned from watching Young, Famous, and African

April 10, 2022

Women are the champagne in the glass while men are like the cherry on top”. Zari said this when on a girl date with Khanyi when Khanyi asked her about her relationship with her baby daddy Diamond Platnumz and other men. Zari is known for being a boss lady and I totally agree with this quote. It’s the more classy way of saying what Beyonce what trying to encapsulate in her “Who runs the world? Girls” song. In some creation stories, woman is created second but clearly out of necessity because man could clearly not flourish alone. The woman was needed to create more life and beauty in the world. Men, don’t fret. Cherries are nice to have around as well 🙂
When you’re powerful and confident, expect haters. Zari the boss lady shows up in Episode 2 but steals the show from that point as in Episode 1, Khanyi was trying to be the queen of the squad. In my opinion, Zari is the most attractive woman on the show and has a bit more class because she is a businesswoman even though she may have started as a “well kept” woman by marrying for money. Is Zari perfect? No. She can definitely be a little over-flirtatious but she owns who she is. She has that “take or leave it” vibe which you can only have if you are very confident in yourself and to be honest, isn’t that how we should all be?
Apologizing is not a sign of weakness. I will applaud the male Young, Famous, and African stars on the show because they really don’t have a lot of drama because they know how to apologize. This is especially evident on the show when DJ Naked apologizes to Swanky, the best stylist in Africa, about a shouting match that occurred where DJ Naked was supporting Zari in her fight with Swanky and Khanyi over some rudeness that Zari had felt from Khanyi while Zari was trying to give a speech. These men had been involved in a fight that wasn’t even about them which goes to show that women are definitely the bubbly champagne that fizzes up sometimes while men try to float above the drama. So in that case, we definitely need women for reality TV.
Don’t be too friendly with other people’s spouses. I’ve definitely been a victim of this because if I’m at a party, I usually try to talk to both male and female party attendees. As mentioned before, Zari is a bit flirtatious and at one point, she pulls 2Face Idibia aside to talk to him privately while his wife Annie is also at the party. To me and his wife, this seemed unnecessary and rude. Annie goes to interrupt their private conversation and Zari tells her that she is “insecure” in front of her husband. From that point on, there’s a war between Annie and Zari. When 2Face Idibia re-proposes to Annie after years of cheating, Annie decides not to invite Zari to her vow renewal ceremony. To be honest, I don’t blame Annie in this situation. I think Zari has to learn the line between being friendly and being overly flirtatious.
How you dress can be one of the easiest ways to express yourself. As mentioned before, Swanky is a top fashion stylist and how he dresses lets you know that this man is creative, confident, and daring. His looks alone are so unique yet so cool that you probably have never seen anyone wear the outfits he puts together. The way Zari dresses exudes class and maturity. The way Khanyi dresses shows off the plastic surgery augmentations that she has. The way Nadia dresses expresses her young, “crazy, sexy, and cool” vibe. I don’t really like how Annie dresses because most of her clothes are ill-fitting or just too “avant-garde” in my opinion. I really liked the suit that DJ Naked wore when they had rented out a train for a 48-hour retreat and had a casino night inside the train. DJ Naked’s girlfriend is probably the least affluent person on the show and she dresses pretty well for her budget which I respect because designer labels don’t make an outfit. You can wear a $50 outfit and still look better than someone who spent $5,000.
Don’t date out of boredom. I think Diamond Platnumz really dates out of boredom because he doesn’t really seem to have any dating criteria. The man doesn’t even know “for sure” if he has 5 or 6 children. He speculates that he may have fathered some children but doesn’t seem to put much effort in figuring out if those children are really his. So far, we know that he has 3 baby mamas: Zari, Donna Tanasha, and Hamisa Bometo. In his speculation, he says some other women have told his mother that they may have children for him. That is a total hot mess and shows a person who is not doing his “level best” to protect himself from women who want to use him for child support. He’s definitely not a victim though as he has cheated on women whom he was in serious relationships with such as Zari who he had a four-year relationship that ended in divorce as well as Tanasha who ended their engagement due to infidelity as well. It is clear on the show that Diamond may still have feelings for Zari even though he dates other women. And Zari makes it clear that she loves to co-parent with Diamond but he is no longer a romantic interest due to his inability to “hold her down”. As such, Diamond is out in these streets dating out of boredom because the woman he probably wants doesn’t want him anymore or she’s teaching him a lesson. Either way, it makes for good reality TV.
Keeping tabs on your man and dismissing it as “checking on your property” is not cute. In fact, the word “insecure” that Zari used is the most appropriate here. Should have Zari communicated that to Annie’s face, especially in front of her husband? No! But is the word “insecure” the most fitting? Hell Yes! If you have to go online to check what your husband is doing because he is famous or look through his phone because he is a commoner, then you’re in the wrong relationship. I am so glad 2face apologized to Annie for his misdeeds and proposed to renew their vows. But honey! This man has fathered 5 children outside of his marriage. Some women are clearly built different because I don’t know how someone can continue to disrespect you like that and you continue to stay. Sure you said vows that said “till death do us part” but someone would be metaphorically dead to me if they mishandled our marriage like that. I also do make a distinction between emotional and physical cheating but if you’re physically cheating, then maybe one should make sure that nobody gets pregnant? But let me get off my high horse and let people live their lives. Do you boo 🙂 ❤

On death

March 31, 2022

(trigger warning: this post discusses loss and grief)

Last year, a great family friend of ours passed away. I think that was the first time that death has hit me hard in my life. Our friend was only in his early 30s and he was the last person we thought we would lose. Before that, I had only seen how death affects people; people like my mother, father, and people that I have dated. The main thing that I noticed about how death affects us is our memories. We usually just remember the good times and the good things about the person until we forget that these people were also human. It takes a while to realize that these people that we loved and lost were not perfect. Sometimes, we even idolize them and try to live our lives for them. I am not saying whether that’s good or bad. Keeping one’s legacy is a great thing to do but I think we should never try to measure ourselves in their eyes. We all want to make our family and friends proud whether living or not. However, we should not pressure ourselves to meet a level of perfection that even those who have passed could not meet. I’ve been watching the Kanye West documentary and one of the quotes I remember him saying is “the only thing that is guaranteed in one’s life is death”. We are all going to die one day so make sure you are living your life in a way that makes you happy. Because truth be told, you are the most important person in your life. Even if you have kids, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

So how did death affect me? I fell into the same pattern that I noticed from others who have encountered loss. I thought about the things I could have done differently. I also started to perceive the deceased friend as perfect. Later I realized that even if the dead become angels in their transition from life to death, they were imperfect humans while they were living. This means they made mistakes just like us and trying to live perfectly for them is impossible because we are just human beings. Bringing this back to the Kanye West “Jeen-Yus” documentary, I think it is good for us to acknowledge that death is inevitable and appreciate the great things that people have done. However, let us not idolize anyone. The people who passed away lived their life the way that they saw fit and so should you. Appreciate them for living their best life by living your best life. Make mistakes just as they did and don’t obsess over them. Do the best you can for yourself. Make yourself proud! Because in your last moments on this earth, you’ll be looking at your life through your eyes; walking through the tunnels of your memories, and trying to find the inevitable light.

To end this on a lighter note, life is a gift. One that we have to cherish, treasure, and be grateful for because it is not guaranteed. Let us all take moments to celebrate our lives just as much as we try to celebrate the lives of those we have lost. Cheers to more life, more love, more peace, and more happiness in the world! ❤

Black is King by Beyoncé – Review

August 4, 2020

beyonce pic2 — Beyoncé in *Black is King, 2020*

Black is King. A simple three-word phrase that is synonymous with Beyoncé telling us fellow Black humans that we are glorious. In fact, she says “let Black be synonymous with glory.” If we focus on just glorifying blackness at the root, then she did that. But if we think about blackness as a big oak tree rather than a root, then she only scratched the surface. And she scratched that surface beautifully, might I add. With her beautiful rhythm of dance, color in super HD quality, regal hairstyles, and the celebration of black bodies, she did that exceedingly beautifully. However, what missed the mark for me was that the Black is King story focused on Africa. Yes, the Lion King is African and blackness as well as humanity originates in Africa but the Africa she chose to focus on was historical Africa instead of showcasing present-day Africa as well.

This is evident in the focus on historic Egyptian headpieces and traditional hairstyles such as those seen below.

It is also evident in the landscapes chosen as the backdrops chosen for the Black is King film which present Africa as just beautiful Natural Geographic worthy scenes without showcasing the developed cityscapes of Africa. Again, I do think that her point was to show historic Africa rather than present-day Africa so I can understand that vision. However, I am sure Beyoncé does not in the bushes when she visits African countries so why not the 5-star African hotels that she probably frequents. Why not show the Africa that exists today? Why not show landscapes different from what National Geographic shows already? Sure, adding her body and several dancers couples with great costumes does show a different perspective but this vision could have been bigger. Even the movie Black Panther tried to connect Africa with African Americans in the end with the scene shot in Compton. On the same note, I think Beyoncé could have tried to connect more dots in the film Black is King. Black is not just King when it relates to Africa. Black is King in the NBA, in the NFL, in music, in educational excellence, and the list goes on. People might say I am missing the point of the film but please think about the fact that Beyoncé’s last three tours did not include any African countries. So with that record, I can see how people can interpret that Beyoncé doesn’t truly care about Africa and is just using African culture for capitalistic gain. However, I do have to applaud her for her effort in glorifying Blackness. I did feel proud to be black while watching Black is King so if that was her mission then she achieved it. However, if she was trying to make a statement on Africa then she definitely missed that mark. Let me remind you that Africa is a continent made up of 54 countries. Fifty-Four. So maybe we are asking too much from Beyoncé in representing Africa cohesively. Maybe we should not expect that a film that is one hour and 25 minutes long can do so much for us. With that said, maybe we should just appreciate Black is King for what it is: a film with impeccable costumes, storytelling, and rhythm in dance as well as music.

The music is actually my favorite part about Black is King with “Find your way back” as my top song pick. I also appreciate that Beyoncé made an effort to collaborate with African musicians such as Yemi Alade, Shatta Wale, and Wizkid. While the representation of Africa was not cohesive, I found the music to be well organized. I think great music is what we can truly expect from the multi-Grammy award-winning artists that Beyoncé is and she did that beautifully. So Beyoncé, please don’t go chasing waterfalls the next time you’re in Africa. We’ve seen enough African waterfalls. Show us something different. Please and Thank you.

2020 Character Definition

July 8, 2020

So it seems that every one this quarantine year is either focusing on upgrading their cooking skills or working out so they can look better naked walking around their house. I am on team cooking because my motivation to work out is currently on Empty. But I think one thing we can agree on is that watching the news incessantly is not the correct move for 2020. I think it is kind of ironic that the number that represents perfect vision is the one to define this year. People say hindsight is 2020; well, we’re going to have to tell our kids something a bit different about 2020. Maybe things like “Son, let me tell you what 2020 was about!” and then your son says looks at you with uninterested eyes as you shout “2020 was about not knowing what was gonna happen next including your conception hahaha”.

Well, I really hope the year goes better because this year will probably make or break us as a human race. I don’t mean to scare anyone but already, this year has shown us the people who have integrity and those who do not. Not to bring up this old quote by Martin Luther King Jr but he spoke wisely when he said that people should not be judged by the color of their skin but the “content of their character”. Ladies and gentlemen, 2020 is a group project and we should all have enough integrity, honesty, and respect for one another. Hoarding 100s of hand sanitizers is not integrity. Lying about feeling unwell is not honest. Being too close to someone in a supermarket is not respectful. The people who are lacking in character are the ones who will drag us down with an F for failure in this 2020 group project from hell. So let’s all try to do our best in keeping each other safe. And of course, as the air hostesses say on the airplanes that we all miss so much: “please put your mask on before helping others”.

Also, let us not forget the Black Lives Matter Movement. Again, let us judge people by their character and not their skin. Cops and vigilantes who are killing people and at disproportionately higher murders of black people should be arrested. Let us call a spade, a spade, and murder, murder. And let us look at all institutions that have targeted black people in a harmful way. Let us look at prisons, department stores, and even schools as they serve as a pipeline to prisons. As a medical professional, it scares me to know that maternal mortality rates are higher for black women in the U.S. than for other races. It also scares me to know that Native Americans, Black Americans, and Latinos have higher rates of COVID-19 hospitalizations (see linked CDC source). My medical career is less than 5 years but I hope that throughout my career, I can be of use in reducing health disparities. I am sure we can all find a way in our professional and personal capacities to be better humans so that we can leave a better future for our children; a future where 2020 is a distant memory rather than a cloud of darkness that follows us for the rest of our lives.

July marks the half-way point for the rest of the year and I am trusting in the powers above that things are going to get better. I am proud of the protests that have happened thus far and the small successes of institutions committing themselves to address racial inequities. This is a demonstration of the power of the human spirit and I believe that is what will allow us to overcome the challenges of 2020. Let us not call 2020, “the year of doom” but rather “the year of character definition”. Let us work on ourselves. Let us keep on going. Let us overcome. And I truly believe that “we shall overcome!” Peace and ❤ to you all in the rest of 2020.

High Tide/ Jazzy Guitar Song

May 25, 2020

I personally composed the song and arranged the chords. Emotions were inspired by a long-distance relationship. The song style was inspired by Lianne La Havas, Etta James and Nina Simone. My singing lessons provided by my schoolmate and friend Rasaanh Matra definitely helped. Check out his youtube at the following link: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFPFJ070IZvEaGYFpkTeiOw

Music has definitely made this quarantine time easier to endure. I’ve played guitar with my neighbor while maintaining six feet and wearing a mask in his luscious backyard. Singing in the car on the way to and from work is always refreshing. We also did karaoke for mother’s day and that was very entertaining. I hope you all find music that speaks to your soul and whatever situation you are facing 🙂 ❤

Best marriage advice ever

May 13, 2020

Alright, let me first acknowledge that I am not married but I can tell you this advice is tried and true. When I was on an internship, a pharmacist that I worked with was celebrating an anniversary. I can’t remember how many years she’d been married but it was a long time (definitely more than 15 years). So I asked her what advice she could give me for the future. To my surprise, her answer was really simple. She said, “marry someone nice”. She didn’t say someone with a nice job or a nice car. She said to marry a nice, kind-hearted person. Because at the end of the day, that person will be considerate and not act harshly towards you.

I was like 21 at this point and to be honest, I did not really apply this advice to that period of my dating life because I was just having fun. However, this advice has always been in the back of my mind. Fortunately, I consider the person that I am dating now to be one of the kindest people I have ever met. However, I have overlooked this quality in the past for looks and other less important things. But I think deep down, I have always known what I wanted. I always use to say that I wanted to marry someone like my younger brother because he literally has no enemies. He makes friends as easily as counting to 10 and forgives as easily as a three-year-old.

I’ll admit that sometimes people can be nice to a fault. There are some people who are so busy trying to make everyone happy that they forget about their family. So in being nice, make sure that prioritization is also key. But if the drawback is being nice to a fault, I would rather take that than someone who is rude to a definite fault. At the end of the day, it will be the simple things that matter. Simple actions like buying your favorite snack or drink at the gas station. And always being honest with each other. I think love is just that simple too and in that case, then marriage reflects love. I hope we all find the “ying” to our “yang”. The Michelle to our Barack. And with that, I am hopping back to Netflix to finish this “Becoming” documentary.

She ain’t your momma

April 8, 2020

kayla and i tampa — pre-quarantine days, Tampa, FL

Hello old friends. I am sorry to have kept you waiting on this post about how our childhood impacts our romantic relationships. I have been working full time and the motivation to do anything productive is low during a time where our cities have turned into sleepy towns. This week I watched an interview of a Kenyan female songstress, Tanasha Donna, talking about her rocky romance with Tanzanian male musician, Diamond Platnumz. One of the things she talked about is realizing that her man was in love with the idea of her but not with who she really is. Long story short, they had a baby together last year and recently broke up due to him cheating on her. Her ex-boyfriend is well known for being a mama’s boy by the way and it seems he did not have a strong father figure in his life. So before we break this down further, let me reintroduce the theory that Oprah Winfrey shared on her podcast about how we try to recreate our childhood with the people we love romantically (see previous blog post for further detail on this theory and a link to the podcast).

If we apply this theory to Diamond Platnumz, it is possible that he is looking for a woman like his mother and he does not think he has found that woman yet. But let me tell you why men can get lost with this idolization of their mothers. Number #1, no one is perfect not even your mother. That is a tough pill to swallow for most men so they choose to have this idea in their head of who their mother is and then project that on the women they date. Number #2 no woman or man will ever be as patient with you as your mother so stop looking for that. But men who have not emotionally matured expect unrealistic levels of patience from their partner. It gets even worse when they do stupid things like, cheat to test this patience. In essence, they want you to accept their cheating to prove that you are a ride-of-die. Only a mother can love a cheat, a thief, and a liar so men please stop with this foolishness.

Now, women, I have not forgotten about us. In her interview, Tanasha talks about how she was doing everything to try to make things work and was not thinking logically about the relationship. She said that she lost herself in the relationship. In examining Tanasha’s background, she grew up with a step-dad instead of her real father. Therefore, she may be unconsciously attracted to men that are either similar to her father or step-dad. Or she may have been looking for a man to fill that void in her life. Either way, she admits that she listened to her heart a lot of times when she should have been listening to her brain. If a man shows you he does not respect you repeatedly then it is time to be brave enough to leave. I am glad that she seems really strong about the entire experience. She says that she does not regret any of her romances as she always chooses to learn from them.

I feel like I have to end with the disclaimer that this theory does not apply to all men or women especially if you have thought critically about your childhood and your romantic life. To be a little bit personal, my worst heartbreak occurred because I felt like I had fallen in love with this idea of who I thought the guy I was dating was and he had done the same in idolizing me. So I feel like getting to know someone very well in the courting phase can really prevent a lot of heartbreak because you do not want to wake up 10 years from now lying next to someone you don’t know that well. But before I let you go; men, please stop trying to find the equivalent of your mom in the dating world. And women please stop trying to raise a grown man. Send him back to his mama. 🙂 ❤

Life in the time of coronavirus

March 20, 2020

Screen Shot 2020-03-20 at 12.31.56 AM — Tampa, Florida March 2020

The past few weeks amid this coronavirus crisis have reminded me one thing: how to not overcomplicate life. We all have so many desires, expectations, and goals that we sometimes forget to live for today, for now. I am writing this after learning that one of my family friends has passed away in a tragic manner. At this time, we are so focused on not being infected with coronavirus that we forget that people are still dying in other ways. Someone probably died from a heart attack today, another probably from drowning, and others from several freak accidents that happen every day. However, we forget this and continue to live life in our bubble. We take our life for granted and focus on myriad issues like petty work drama.

I hope that this coronavirus downtime teaches us to focus on what really matters: our heart, mind, and spirit. Do more of what makes you happy. Since some of us may be stuck indoors during this time, try a new hobby like meditation, drawing, or writing music. I would suggest cooking but I wouldn’t want you to end up eating all of your quarantine groceries. I have started listening to podcasts on the way home from work since we healthcare workers still have to report to duty. The last podcast I listened to was Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations, specifically the one where she interviews a self-help author Harville Hendrix about how we look for partners based on our childhood relationships with our parents. I will like to dive deeper into this topic in a future post but in the meantime, please listen to the podcast when you get a chance. I’ll post the link to the website where you can listen to it for free below. I wish you peace, love, and happiness during this time as always 🙂 ❤

https://omny.fm/shows/oprah-s-supersoul-conversations/07-190-make-love-last-022520-w-alt-header

Emotional honesty ft Bob Marley

February 5, 2020

Screen Shot 2020-02-04 at 11.05.52 PM — Houston- Dec 2109

As the wise Bob Marley once said — ‘The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” Bob Marley has numerous great quotes from his interviews and even more from his music. This one is somewhat of a paradox though especially considering that he had 9 children from 7 different women. So if Bob really believed and lived by his quote, that would mean he actually loved all those seven women. And maybe, it is possible that some people are able to love more than one woman equally. However, it seems that his wife Rita Marley also had a child from another man during an affair. So from my basic analytic skills, either Bob and Rita were hippies who freed each other of possession by loving others or they just had the same marital problems that most people have. Either way, I am sure they had love for one another. And Bob Marley will never be seen as a coward because he took care of all his children. He clearly set a good example for them as they all followed his footsteps in music. Also, quite a number of his children are happily married with children so the value of family was not lost on them.

But besides Bob Marley, let us dig into that quote a bit further. There are some men out there who get satisfaction from getting a woman’s number and keeping her wanting him for the sole purpose of an ego trip. Some men just want to be wanted. And once they feel wanted, they leave because the woman has been “conquered”. I have been fortunate enough not to deal with too many of these types but recently, it clicked in my head that one of the guys I’ve dated in the past might have this problem. And just for disclaimer purposes, people are complicated. Sometimes, someone is acting elusive after you gain interest in them because they are afraid of deep connection. You never know what that person has been through. But I will say this, please search within yourself if this behavior describes so that you can figure out why you do this. If you frequently end up on the short end of the stick with someone dropping you as soon as you gain interest, then learn to identify the signs of these emotionally unavailable people.

I will admit that I have been emotionally unavailable before and still ventured out in the dating world. However, I would disclose my emotional state to the other person if somebody gained interest in me. So, I think love is really about honesty and trying to do right by someone. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Be true to yourself and the other person. If your emotional states don’t mesh well, then move on. If Bob Marley was able to find 7 different women to have kids with, I am sure that there is somebody out there for you (if not multiple people, haha). 🙂 ❤

The blueprint for love: self-love

January 26, 2020

Image 1-26-20 at 2.42 PM — Houston wedding, December 2019

From the moment you become responsible for your life choices (let’s say adulthood), you become married despite your relationship status. Why? Because self-love is marriage. Self-love is a life-long commitment to one-self to make decisions that serve to protect and flourish oneself. Therefore, I believe that we enter a polygamous relationship when we get married to another person. How? Because your love for one-self should not dissolve once you say “I do” to another person. Love has to be divided between love for yourself and for the other person. Or if you and your partner are truly in sync, then theoretically loving the other person is like loving yourself. Either way, self-love should not be compromised in order to love another person: that would be the definition of a toxic relationship.

I am not a married person myself so my perspective may be a bit extreme but from what I have heard from people like Will and Jada Smith is that a relationship cannot complete you. You complete yourself through self-love. This is why understanding yourself and dating yourself first, before and during marriage is so important. Another person can only complement who you are. So I guess the “he/she is my other half” statement is a bit misleading. We are all our own people. A better statement that is now becoming popular is “I choose to love my husband/wife each and every day.” I agree with this statement more as it highlights that love is a choice. It’s not a feeling; lust is a feeling. Love is a choice and you have to mentally decide to love your partner through sickness and in health till do death you part.

Some people wonder about unconditional love. However, I think it is rare to find unconditional love between romantic love. I think unconditional love is usually for parents and children. Most people have a mental list of actions that would make them walk away from their partner: infidelity, dishonesty, addiction, and the list goes on. But I do recognize that most people continue to love the people who they walked away from or who walked away from them. However, that love decreases in intensity and is not as compelling for them to want to be with that other person. Therefore, I am of the theory that love does have conditions.

To tie the concept of unconditional love and self-love, I believe that we learn our requirements or conditions of love by loving ourselves. When you don’t tolerate negative self-talk, you will not accept someone talking to you in any kind of way. When you follow through on your goals and commitments to yourself, you won’t allow someone to tell you that you are too high maintenance or that your conditions are unreasonable. Therefore, how you love yourself provides the blueprint of how someone else is to love you. I wish you all success in love to yourself and to or from others. 🙂 ❤