Most important male quality

September 2019

I wrote this in the air, so it’s coming hot off the clouds

In the next sentence, I am going to share the most important quality that women look for without even knowing. Drum roll, please. Above all, a woman wants a man with a sense of humor.

Why? Because we want to be happy. And sure buying us gifts and being financially secure can make a woman happy but that’s not something a man can sustain 24 hours, 7 days a week. Humor, on the other hand, is something that is limitless. A man can make you laugh literally every hour on the hour that you are with him or available via phone.

It is true that you cannot eat laughter or even be housed by laughter but humor should still be a requirement for the life partner you choose. Imagine marrying a guy who doesn’t even have the capacity to make dad jokes to your kids. In fact, I think research shows that your life expectancy increases based on laughter and in turn, happiness. So get that guy with a retirement plan that includes savings but also the bag of jokes he’s gonna use in old age. I have this joke planned where I pretend that my memory is shoddy and start flirting with my husband like I’ve just met him for the first time. Like, asking him “hey do you come here often?” while we are in our house. Please let me know within the next 40 years if this is a cruel joke or forever hold your peace.

So the moral of the story is that as much as we all love biceps and deep pockets, a funny bone working 40 hours a week and maybe some overtime should be a major aspiration for all men. Another argument for humor is that it gets better with time. Your looks, on the other hand, are not promised to be in the positive every year. Not all men are Idris Elba who manages to look better each and every year. Let’s have a moment of silence for Idris’s peppered beard right now and can the congregation say “silver fox”. And by the way, have you noticed that Idris also seems to have a great sense of humor?  The man is all about self-development as he is a DJ, producer, actor, kickboxer, father, and husband. I hope the men reading this are taking notes and create a plan on how to level up. If you don’t have humor in your current arsenal, level up! If all you have is humor, also level up!

Thank you for reading. 🙂 ❤

on Gold-digging & career women

ms independent
July 2019

When I was in high school and college (of course broke), I would say that I am not a gold digger as I am actually more focused on digging my own gold than anyone else’s. Now as a career woman, I think dating becomes tricky when society views you as accomplished. Any potential suitor usually has to meet a checklist of the usual list: nice to people, family-oriented, but most importantly career-focused. Why? Because nobody wants to sleep on an empty stomach as a result of your husband being fired from his job for the third time. But on the other hand, women are also bashed for wanting a man who is financially secure as we are called gold diggers. So with these conflicting societal views, nobody can win.

This question came up recently on social media where a woman posted a quote saying “stop forcing women to love poor men”. I shared this quote with some male friends and they actually were understanding about this catch-22. Our society wants women to choose an appropriate partner that can provide for a family but we don’t want money to be involved in their decision. Does that even make sense? I don’t think a woman’s thought should be can this man be able to buy a car for me or other grandiose things but at the basic level, a man should be able to help put food on the table for his family (in my opinion). Another flip to this coin is what if the woman herself has wealth or some assets?

I think that if a person has worked hard for their accomplishments, including money, they should not be judged for looking for a partner with similar qualities. Barack Obama didn’t just go into the Chicago streets and marry the finest woman he saw. He looked for the woman who was career-focused just like him. Sure at the time that he asked Michelle out, he was just her intern. But Michelle saw his trajectory and knew he would catch up quickly. So on the same note, there’s nothing wrong with having great consideration for someone’s aspirations because guess what? If you’re shooting for the stars, career-wise, and your potential suitor is just dreaming of a Gucci belt then you might not be compatible. So don’t sell yourself short and accept just any person who locks eyes with you for more than 10 seconds. Look for the person that wows you with their hustle (legal hustles only). I pray that you may all find that person that aligns perfectly with what you deserve. May we all find the Barack to our Michelle or vice versa. 🙂 ❤

My version of “waiting in vain” by Bob Marley

Displayed above is a painting I recently did of Bob Marley. In 24 hours, I will no longer own it as I am gifting it to my neighbor who recorded a live album of his original music yesterday and who also taught me how to play guitar. Displayed below is a song I wrote out loud first while driving around town and just expressing what was on my heart at that time. I hope you enjoy both displays and soon enough, a video recording of me playing the song should follow. I mixed in a bit of French just to summarize the chorus in another language – also inspired by my guitar teacher. I was listening to Bob Marley’s “waiting in vain” on repeat around the time I wrote this song so I can attribute some inspiration to that as well.

I wanna know

I am looking for that sign

That green light

That tells me go

Or that red light

That tells me no

—–

I wanna know

If this is real

If this is true

Me and you

Is this real?

Is this true?

I wanna know

——

Moi et toi

Est – ce vrais?

Je veux savoir

——-

They say time will tell

If this love is a spell

Or if we both truly fell

So hold on to those wedding bells

——

Cause I wanna know

If this is real

If this is true

Me and you

Is this real?

Is this true?

I wanna know

——

Moi et toi

Est – ce vrais?

Je veux savoir

—Thanks for reading and entertaining my creativity in all capacities. 😃❤️

Love: is there a formula?

10258Before I start this post, let me give a shout out to my best friend who did this digital sketch of a selfie that I took in 2014. From what I remember, it was during summer classes in June and I had a daily ritual of a mid-day nap so this was either before or after the nap (probably after, because my lips tend to dilate while I sleep).

This post is about love and I think the feeling of love is only seconded by the feeling of a really good nap (in my opinion, both induce rose colored glasses and necessary to life). From talking to several different people (including my parents and married family friends) this past weekend, I started to wonder if there is a formula to love. Well, my friends, I have reached the conclusion that the answer is both yes and no. No because typically in a formula you have an independent (x) and dependent variable (y). So if y=love, then x would have to equal something that we all determine to result in love if there was a direct relationship between x and y. Okay, that is enough math for today but my point is, we have not scientifically determined any one thing that results in love all the time. However, we do know certain factors that may be assist in the process of love. My small interview based research with my parents and family friends yielded common results. Almost everyone will tell you honesty, trust, and patience are important in love. So we can assume that those are probably part of the formula especially in terms of long-lasting love. So in my opinion, the answer is yes and no. For the final math/science reference, if honesty, trust, and patience are part of the formula then they would be referred to as constants since they would be unchanging.  Therefore, maybe we should focus on the constants of love and somewhere we will find the (x- male or female in this case) that makes it work (thereby, turning y to equal love).

Some of the conversations I engaged in also produced some quotes that I would like to share below.

  1. “If your partner/lover/whatever-you-want-to-call-them lies to you about small stuff, run the other way because they will definitely lie to you about bigger stuff.”
  2. “Go with the flow.” When my mom and dad met they both were not trying to force the relationship to work. According to my mother, they both kept talking about breaking up until they both realized that they actually deeply cared about each other. None of them took the relationship that seriously until it actually became serious. Supposedly, there is less chance of heart break this way but keep in mind that there is no true formula to love.
  3. “Do what makes you happy.” Of course, you have to consider long term vs short term happiness but in most cases, you will never regret what made you happy. I recently shared with one of my friends that I do not get scared about a relationship turning bad anymore because if it made me happy for x amount of months or years then it was not a waste of time. I have also been watching a TV show called Billions (thanks to my male best friend that put me on to this really cool show ) which is mainly based on stock investment firms and how they manage their investments. To me love can be an investment because you expect the love to grow/appreciate over the years. Love is more of a long term stock. However, there is an investment strategy known as shorting or short-selling where you borrow a stock at a certain price and quickly return it when the price goes down. So imagine your potential mate is a stock, if their perceived value to you (emotionally and mentally most importantly) goes down then you can feel free to return them to the universe.

I feel like this turned into an extensive thought piece (probably because I am writing this at 1am which is when my mind really peaks haha). I apologize if you have a deep fear of math and this post triggered you. 🙂 ❤

What I’ve learned from celebrity relationships

meghan-markle-prince-harry-parenthood-1024x781.jpgIf celebrity relationships weren’t interesting, then most magazines would cease to exist because that is one of the prime reasons people buy them.  Shout out to our previous house owner who was subscribed to PEOPLE magazine so I get updated on Meghan Markle and Harry’s marriage every week (even though, paper mail gives me anxiety because of a) bills and b) tree deforestation for the purpose of paper). The main thing I learned from Meghan and Harry’s relationship is that if a man wants you, he will break all the rules to have you (i.e. marrying a divorced older woman). So with that, never accept an excuse from a man as to why he cannot be with you because a man will try to move heaven and earth if he really wants to be with you. With this post, I am doing the sandwich method where you present the good first, the bad second, and then finish with good. Therefore, the next two cases are not so romantic.

beyonce-jay-z.jpg

Beyoncé & Jay Z. My main take away from their marriage is that Jay Z is likely to have cheated on one of the most beautiful women on this earth. Like that thought still crosses my mind in a while and I am just dumbfounded that this is even possible. But if he did, then she clearly has forgiven him and it is inspiring to know that level of forgiveness exists because clearly, I don’t have that much mercy on people. Especially for a woman who is independently successful to stay with a man that she doesn’t necessarily need, that is on another level for me. But maybe the possible beat down on Jay Z that happened on the elevator by Beyoncé’s sister, Solange, was enough to even the score.

khloe-tristan

Khloe Kardashian& anyone. She has married a cocaine addict (Lamar Odom) and has recently been in the news for being cheated on by professional basketball player and maybe professional adulterer Tristan Thompson. In this recent debacle, she blamed the girl, Jordyn Woods, that Tristan supposedly kissed instead of making her man accountable for his actions. Lesson learned here is do not be so desperate that you accept whatever behavior a man throws at you. It is better to be alone than to be a doormat that just says WELCOME to anyone and everyone.

kim-kanye.jpgKim Kardashian & Kanye West. Unlike her sister Khloe, Kim has actually managed to have a seemingly beautiful relationship with Kanye. When the sex tape of Kim came out in 2003, I am pretty sure nobody thought that she would be happily married and with a family of four kids in 2019. But yet here we are and I think that is because Kim has really high self-esteem to the point that she did not let that oops moment define her (If anything, she capitalized on it and made money off it as many people are still Keeping up with the Kardashians). So the lesson here is to not let your last relationship be a setback; keep it moving and focus on your hustle as the rest will follow.

priya and nickPriyanka Chopra & Nick Jonas. What can I say? As someone who has been obsessed with Priyanka Chopra even before she crossed over to America with the show Quantico, I never thought she would end up with a man 10 years her junior. But to be honest, we do not usually find a problem with men dating younger women so I don’t think we should shame women for it either. To me, Priyanka and Nick both seem happy and that is what really matters. I am sure at age 36 and gorgeous, she has been courted by many men and knew what she wanted enough not to just settle for Nick. The main lesson I learned from this experience is not to rush love and jump into a relationship for the sake of it. As they say, good things come to those who wait.

will-smith-jada-pinkett-smith-01.jpgJada Pinkett-Smith & Will Smith. I do not believe in making anyone my role model because like Tupac said: “a role is something people play, a model is something people make, and both of those things are fake”. However, I will say that I admire Jada and Will’s relationship because they both seem like deeply introspective people who seek to understand themselves and each other in order to make their marriage really work. I know there are rumors at there that they have an open relationship but they have not come out to confirm that so I will dismiss that conversation. My favorite statement from Will Smith is from a recent YouTube video stating that he does not hold his wife responsible for his happiness. Happiness is a choice and only you can choose to make yourself happy. A relationship is not a hobby. Whatever made you happy when you were single should not be neglected just because you have a sidekick now. In essence, do not set unrealistic expectations on your partner. He or she cannot be your sun or your moon no matter how hard he or she tries.

I hope you all achieve and maintain happiness within you, with or without a relationship. 🙂 ❤

 

On submissiveness and relationships

flower power
March 2019

Submissive. The true definition per Google is to be “ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.” If that is the definition we are going by, I do not think any person (man or woman) wants to be submissive in this century or ever. I think when we talk about being submissive in a relationship, we mean to cater to someone’s needs. This does not necessarily mean that you have conformed or chosen to be passive or cowered to some authority as the definition suggests. I believe that for those women and women who are happy in a relationship, they try to cater to the general wellness of the relationship. That may mean that as a man you take out the trash or as a woman, you cook the food. However, in ideal relationships, these are conscious decisions that are made to contribute to the benefit of the unit. I do not believe that this is submissiveness as nobody feels forced to do these activities. Again, each party is making a conscious decision to cater to the relationship.

            I saw a quote on social media that said “a woman is naturally submissive to a man who she trusts to lead..even if she’s an alpha female..” 86% of the person’s followers on social media agreed, including myself. But the more I thought about it, allowing somebody to lead is not necessarily being submissive. I would not say that I am submissive just because I try to follow the rules that have been set in place. Instead, I would say that I am a team player because I realize the role I need to play and why I should follow certain rules. This is exactly how I view relationships as well. Two people come together to form a team and agree on particular rules or arrangements. Following these rules, makes the person a team player and not “meekly obedient or passive”. Also, I have seen women lead/wear the pants in certain successful marriages and it is not because the man could not be trusted to lead. It was simply because of their personalities and skills such as money management that allowed these women to be the main leader of their households. But again, I think relationships have to be team-based so where one lacks, the other excels.

            The only caveat of this theory is that you never want your relationship to be like a group project gone wrong where one person does all the work. When one person is dominating one aspect of the relationship such as activities to do together, resentment from the other party can develop. Imagine the fight where one person says “I always do this” and the other says “well you are good at doing it so I thought you should always do it”. I think most of us would agree that we should try to help the other person with their dominant area. For example, I like to cook but I need someone who is at least willing to help out by chopping onions or even plating the food. Having someone who can even try to cook a few days a week would be even better but I try to keep my expectations low because some people really can’t even boil water lol. I am sure that the area of strengths for each person reveal themselves as a relationship grows and nobody can dive into a relationship knowing that their partner will be good at managing A, B, or C. I think the beauty of a relationship is getting to figure out how to be a winning team and this can be really fun especially if you have a sports mindset where you want to continuously improve your skills.

            So in a roundabout way, what I am saying is that I do not believe submissiveness is the key to a successful relationship. I think teamwork is the key and when I am married one day, I will come back and tell you if I was wrong or right lol. Feel free to share your thoughts as well.  🙂 ❤

Love and Divine intervention

vday pic
January 2019

 I am not the most religious person in the world but I do believe that there is/are higher power(s) much bigger than humanity. I do believe that there are forces rooting for you and as in science, there are always equal opposite forces as well. These forces could be the goodwill and the bad nature of people. I think time is also a force that could work with you or against you especially when it comes to business and romance. I think that is why they say that good luck is when opportunity meets preparation and hard work. So whether you believe in God or not, I think it is hard to deny that there are forces much powerful than us. For example, a piano could fall from a building and squash someone to death; this would be due to the force known as gravity.

            To make this more personal, I have always told my friends that finding someone to marry should not be stressful because ultimately who you meet, how you meet, and when you meet is largely not up to you. You could be born a white woman born in Mid-Western American and end up marrying a black man from Kenya who will impregnate you with a man who will become the first black president of America. Yeah, I just used Barack Obama’s birth story for the sake of a non-political argument but let me stick to the point. The point is that we stress ourselves with whether we are making the right decisions about our love lives when we should just learn how to trust the divine plan or powers that be.

            Like I mentioned, I used to say that the divine plan is always working but when I would get deep in a relationship, I would try to force it to work not realizing that you should not have to force love to work. Love is either there or it is not. And as they say, you should always learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served. Even if the relationship does not work out with the person you are with, it is part of the divine plan as you are meant to learn something from it (whether you learn it is up to you). And for those of you who do not have a valentine’s this year, please remember that is also part of the plan. Look at Priyanka Chopra whose now husband, Nick Jonas, is 11 years younger than her. Maybe you just need to wait for your future bae to graduate high school, haha I am totally kidding (especially with this whole R. Kelly situation).

            Life is always full of surprises, so never try to plan out your life to the T. You can say, I must be married by 28 and end up meeting the love of your life at 35 like Priyanka. Just pray for good aging, moisturize day and night, and eat well so you can always look like a fresh snack even when you are very ripe in age. But ultimately looks will fade (different degrees for different people) so also work on yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. As I mentioned in my previous post about my 2019 goals, working on my spirituality is something that I really work on this year as I think when your spirit is in check, your mind and emotions follow suit. I will definitely update you guys about that as this year continues. I tend to get very into my feelings about my growth around my birthday so you can probably expect that towards the end of the year.

          I hope we may all get closer to our spirit and if you celebrate V-day, then may you spend it with someone you love, including yourself. 🙂 ❤

5 things learned from watching “This is Us” (no spoilers)

looking like mom
Dec 2018

I first started watching This is Us while I was in Boston Spring 2017. The show actually started September 2016 but I am always fashionably late to watching shows which allows me to watch the show at my own pace. I am actually not all caught up with the current season so please don’t ruin it for me. To say the least, “This is Us” is a tear jerker and “aww-inducing” kind of show filled with family tragedies and milestones. It is very real and the cinematography of life in the 70s, 80s, and the current day is very spot on. The show centers around a family of 5 known as the Pearson’s, which consists of 2 boys, a girl, and a set of heterosexual parents. Sounds pretty normal except that one of the boys is adopted and black in race while the rest of the family is white. Furthermore, their father dies when the kids are teenagers which sets the course of the rest of their lives. Based on the fact that they all idolize their father, he plays a great role in the lives despite his death. Therefore, the show is filled with drama and heart-wrenching moments of seeing how their story unfolds with different coping mechanisms and challenges. But despite all this drama, there is a lot to learn from the “This is Us” story.

  1. Family should always come first. Treat your siblings well. Treat your parents even better because, at the end of the day, they are the people who will come running to help you in moments of trouble. I can honestly say that my brothers are in my top 3 of best friends in this world because they know me very well. We have a lot of inside jokes and lots of memories together since we’re all so close in age. I jokingly said to my little brother this week that we have to buy houses right next to each other for those moments when we have some “tea to spill.” I’ll also probably need him to set up my TV in the house lol.
  2. Everyone deals with loss differently so don’t judge people for how slowly they recover or if they never recover because both are very likely to happen. Some people find comfort in substances of abuse, others in food, and others in finding something they can control. This is why I think therapy is so important when facing a tragedy in your life. Talking to a therapist can really help you face your emotions instead of drowning them.
  3. Adoption can be a very beautiful thing especially if the child becomes part of a new family shortly after being born. Ever since I was a teenager, I have been interested in adopting children one day especially children from disenfranchised parts of Africa. I still haven’t decided if I want to open an orphanage or just adopt a few children but I do think the former option might be more impactful.
  4. When we have a dream career and something happens to make that dream pretty much impossible, pick up the pieces and try something different. I really honestly believe that we all have so many different potentials for our life. For example, I am currently in the medical field which I am very passionate about but I am also passionate about fashion, politics, and business. So like that good old saying, never put all your eggs in one basket.
  5. The person you marry has a very monumental impact on your life, always handle that decision with great care. Yes, we all have feelings of passion towards certain people but you should also think about how that person handles challenges. Because life will definitely throw challenges at you. This has been evident throughout the test of time.

Thank you for reading. What are you watching right now and what have you learned from it? Hopefully not to kill thousands of people in efforts of gaining power for your family like Game of Thrones. 🙂 ❤

Don’t settle for less just because it’s available

AirBrush_20181118182217
Orange Beach, Oct 2018

So many times in life we are presented with the conundrum (1. Noun. a confusing and difficult problem or question) of accepting something that is less than what we really want. This happens in our careers, romantic relationships, friendships, or even in basic things like what to wear. Some people choose to approach this by deciding to never compromise on anything if it’s less than what they want. Others choose to avoid conflict and accept something that is just good enough. I think both sides of this dilemma are a bit extreme. We can’t always get exactly what we want and we can’t always accept what we don’t want. So where does that leave us? I think it leaves us with having to mix and mesh both strategies. When it comes to serious things that completely affect your life like careers, romantic relationships, and friendships, you have to be decisive. You have to know at the basic minimum, what you want to do, who you want to be with, and who you want to be.

  1. So for example, I know that I’ve always wanted to be in the medical field and I am very happy with what I do. But don’t get me wrong, I do know I want to try different avenues in the future like maybe a more creative field. Therefore, I have an idea of how I like to work and do. If someone told me they would pay me a million dollars to be a surgeon, I would say no because I know I hate the sight of blood and other bodily fluids. So we should all come up with a list of interest and disinterests in order to figure out what we want to do with our lives.
  2. Romantic relationships. I saw someone on twitter saying that no matter who we end up, that person will be flawed. So love is knowing that you have to settle for that person’s flaw as well as their best attributes. In essence, you have to be so in love with their best attributes and not so disturbed by the worst attributes to be able make that relationship work. I am sure you have heard of imagining your potential partner as your future child and asking yourself if you would be happy if your child/children grew up to have the same qualities as your partner. And again, a list of “must haves” versus “would be nice to have” qualities for your future partner might help you in figuring this out. For example, I like tall men but that is definitely a would be nice to have versus a must have.
  3. I think that platonic relationships can be the easiest to settle for less than worthy because most of the time we are just looking for someone to hang out with, shop with, and listen to our problems. Rarely do we ever make a list of what qualities we want in our friendships and I believe that is why a lot of us endure a couple toxic friendships in our life. So I think in order to protect ourselves and our energy, we have to be just as decisive in our friendships. When someone is bringing negative energy in your life, you have to learn to distance yourself from that person. Being “friendly” is okay but you definitely do not have to be friends with someone that is bringing you down, whether mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. When you look for substance in your friends, you will end up with a strong circle of friends who motivate you, check you when you are wrong, and celebrate your success (that’s right, no haters).

 

I wish you all the best of luck in achieving success in all areas of your life. Remember success is based on what makes you happy versus society. Self-employment might be better than employment in a fortune 50 company. No ring on your finger might be better than a loveless union. Five friends might be better than having a million followers on social media. At the end of the day, do you and what makes you happy. 🙂 ❤

How comparison is and is not the thief of joy

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hollywood walk of fame, Sept 2018

         I know this is a complicated title but I think it is going to make a lot of sense in the end. So I recently watched a sermon by Steven Furtick who is the lead pastor at Elevation Church in Charlotte, North Carolina. In his sermon, he talks about confidence and how we must lose confidence in the flesh (ourselves and other humans) by gaining confidence in the Lord. He also addresses how our comparison to others can be a bad thing while comparing ourselves to Jesus/God can be a good thing. Why? Because God/Jesus isn’t using mad filters and great photography angles while wearing Gucci sandals to post on Instagram. God/Jesus is perfect and therefore, does not have to fake it till he/she makes it. God/Jesus does not even have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. Therefore, when we look up to God/Jesus we are pursuing an authentic purpose where comparing ourselves to other flawed beings is pointless.

            This sermon really touched base for me because I have been/still is that person that is faking it till they are making it and setting unnecessary pressures on myself because I have confidence in my flesh. Really I should be reminding myself of the grace that God has given us to make mistakes and not be perfect like him/her. So recognizing that you are just human is really important especially when your role models are humans. I came to realize at the end of my college years (my last graduation was last year by the way so I still remember them pretty well) that all the people I looked up to were inherently flawed. There were professors that I looked up to due to their work ethic but their love life was in shambles. There were career mentors that I looked up to who valued work more than mental/emotional health. All this kind of crushed me at first because I had to re-evaluate what I was chasing but eventually it led me to have peace and faith in something greater than myself.

            I initially discovered pastor Steven Furtick when I was going through that tough re-evaluation time where I had a lot of anxiety about the future. Despite being very hip and wearing Yeezy’s to church which some of the older generations would frown upon, Furtick has really great messages and I find him pretty funny which is a great quality for a pastor to have. I think if I lived in Charlotte, I would go to church every Sunday but since he is not, I watch him on YouTube. For those curious about him, I will link this particular sermon below. I hope you may find peace and meaning in your life. That to me is Nirvana (enlightenment) but that is a story for another time.