Alright, let me first acknowledge that I am not married but I can tell you this advice is tried and true. When I was on an internship, a pharmacist that I worked with was celebrating an anniversary. I can’t remember how many years she’d been married but it was a long time (definitely more than 15 years). So I asked her what advice she could give me for the future. To my surprise, her answer was really simple. She said, “marry someone nice”. She didn’t say someone with a nice job or a nice car. She said to marry a nice, kind-hearted person. Because at the end of the day, that person will be considerate and not act harshly towards you.
I was like 21 at this point and to be honest, I did not really apply this advice to that period of my dating life because I was just having fun. However, this advice has always been in the back of my mind. Fortunately, I consider the person that I am dating now to be one of the kindest people I have ever met. However, I have overlooked this quality in the past for looks and other less important things. But I think deep down, I have always known what I wanted. I always use to say that I wanted to marry someone like my younger brother because he literally has no enemies. He makes friends as easily as counting to 10 and forgives as easily as a three-year-old.
I’ll admit that sometimes people can be nice to a fault. There are some people who are so busy trying to make everyone happy that they forget about their family. So in being nice, make sure that prioritization is also key. But if the drawback is being nice to a fault, I would rather take that than someone who is rude to a definite fault. At the end of the day, it will be the simple things that matter. Simple actions like buying your favorite snack or drink at the gas station. And always being honest with each other. I think love is just that simple too and in that case, then marriage reflects love. I hope we all find the “ying” to our “yang”. The Michelle to our Barack. And with that, I am hopping back to Netflix to finish this “Becoming” documentary.
Hello old friends. I am sorry to have kept you waiting on this post about how our childhood impacts our romantic relationships. I have been working full time and the motivation to do anything productive is low during a time where our cities have turned into sleepy towns. This week I watched an interview of a Kenyan female songstress, Tanasha Donna, talking about her rocky romance with Tanzanian male musician, Diamond Platnumz. One of the things she talked about is realizing that her man was in love with the idea of her but not with who she really is. Long story short, they had a baby together last year and recently broke up due to him cheating on her. Her ex-boyfriend is well known for being a mama’s boy by the way and it seems he did not have a strong father figure in his life. So before we break this down further, let me reintroduce the theory that Oprah Winfrey shared on her podcast about how we try to recreate our childhood with the people we love romantically (see previous blog post for further detail on this theory and a link to the podcast).
If we apply this theory to Diamond Platnumz, it is possible that he is looking for a woman like his mother and he does not think he has found that woman yet. But let me tell you why men can get lost with this idolization of their mothers. Number #1, no one is perfect not even your mother. That is a tough pill to swallow for most men so they choose to have this idea in their head of who their mother is and then project that on the women they date. Number #2 no woman or man will ever be as patient with you as your mother so stop looking for that. But men who have not emotionally matured expect unrealistic levels of patience from their partner. It gets even worse when they do stupid things like, cheat to test this patience. In essence, they want you to accept their cheating to prove that you are a ride-of-die. Only a mother can love a cheat, a thief, and a liar so men please stop with this foolishness.
Now, women, I have not forgotten about us. In her interview, Tanasha talks about how she was doing everything to try to make things work and was not thinking logically about the relationship. She said that she lost herself in the relationship. In examining Tanasha’s background, she grew up with a step-dad instead of her real father. Therefore, she may be unconsciously attracted to men that are either similar to her father or step-dad. Or she may have been looking for a man to fill that void in her life. Either way, she admits that she listened to her heart a lot of times when she should have been listening to her brain. If a man shows you he does not respect you repeatedly then it is time to be brave enough to leave. I am glad that she seems really strong about the entire experience. She says that she does not regret any of her romances as she always chooses to learn from them.
I feel like I have to end with the disclaimer that this theory does not apply to all men or women especially if you have thought critically about your childhood and your romantic life. To be a little bit personal, my worst heartbreak occurred because I felt like I had fallen in love with this idea of who I thought the guy I was dating was and he had done the same in idolizing me. So I feel like getting to know someone very well in the courting phase can really prevent a lot of heartbreak because you do not want to wake up 10 years from now lying next to someone you don’t know that well. But before I let you go; men, please stop trying to find the equivalent of your mom in the dating world. And women please stop trying to raise a grown man. Send him back to his mama. 🙂 ❤
I would like to start this post by questioning what exactly the phrase “hopeless romantic” actually means. I have heard people use it as both as a positive and negative term either meaning that you are stupid for being a hopeless romantic or you are courageous for being one. When I googled “hopeless romantic”, the top definitions were negative such as the following from Dictionary.com: “a hopeless romantic is a person who holds sentimental and idealistic views on love, especially in spite of experience, evidence, or exhortations otherwise.” Surprisingly, Urban Dictionary had a very lengthy and positive write up on hopeless romantics. Here’s my favorite section from the write up: “Hopeless Romantics are NOT Hopeless per-say, but very true, caring, and loving people. They are “NOT MADE FOR TODAY’S STANDARDS”, sadly. They believe in passion, chivalry, and true love.” Based on how I think the universe works, I think the Urban Dictionary definition is more correct.
I believe in the concept of faith and good effort being rewarded (some people call it karma). So with that positive force of energy of the universe rewarding us, I think truly believing in love makes you a “Hopeful” romantic not a “Hopeless” romantic. Even if the current relationship that you are nurturing does not work, you are preparing your heart for the relationship that will work. Of course, you always need to have your priorities right in life and there are times where you feel like you need a break from relationships (whether due to school, work, or other reasons). However, I think if you find what you are looking for and at an appropriate time in your life then you would probably regret a missed opportunity if you did not pursue it.
So maybe we should hope more and doubt less. If you’re gonna do something, do it to the fullest. Because when people give us advice for success, they tell us things like “shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land upon the stars.” My home room teacher in 6th grade had that quote on a poster and it always peaked my interest. I think to me in education terms it meant, shoot for an A+ so if you don’t get exactly a 100, you could still have an A or A-. In love terms, I think it means that if you really feel good about a relationship, give it a really good effort and even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll be one step closer to finding the person that you’re supposed to be with.
I hope in 50 years (God willing), I can come back to tell you that this theory worked out for me. A lot of things in life are won by mental and emotional strength, so what you believe can make or break you. I choose to believe that the universe is conspiring for us because it gives me positive energy. And at times it can make you, fearless and full of hope. So with that I choose to be a HOPEful romantic that is fearLESS. May we all extinguish fear from our lives and be one step closer to success. 🙂 ❤