On Marriage: are we all just scared to be lonely?

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surfing in South Africa

This post is also inspired by a song which I discovered this week just randomly looking at the posts on my soundcloud feed. The song is appropriated titled “scared to be lonely” as it describes a relationship that starts with great physical chemistry but as it progresses, both parties realize that there might be somebody better for both of them. However, both parties hang on to the relationship and the singer questions whether the only reason they keep coming back for more, is because they’re both scared to be lonely. When I first heard the song, I kept playing it on repeat for the whole day as the singer’s vocals are just amazing and it has a bit of a EDM type beat which I am sometimes into. If that’s up your alley, I’ll post the link to the video below.

But to move on to the substance of the song, I think the lyrics speak volumes about some of the relationships I’ve observed and even been a part of. I think in this day and age of Tinder and other similar apps, where most of us are focusing on the people’s looks, we tend to value the physical quality of the person rather than the substance of who they are. I also think that when we do find someone we sort of like and other people aren’t pursuing us, we tend to settle for what is most convenient. Most of the time, we don’t think that it will be a serious thing but slowly the “feelings” creep up and soon enough you’re an “item” with someone. They’re nice and usually the relationship is easy but deep down inside, both of you know that you weren’t each other’s first choice. Sometimes this leads to marriage because everyone else around you is tying the knot and you both decide why not?! You both deny the fact that you settled for less for as long as possible but deep down you both know that the emotional chemistry is not there. Some decide to stick to their marriage partner, especially when kids are involved but others eventually make a decision to walk out to find what they really wanted in the first place.

 I have observed this scenario in enough couples to make it a significant phenomenon and I think maybe this is why divorce rates are increasing in the world, especially in the U.S.  I think the moral of the story is dating someone just because you’re lonely is a recipe for disaster. I am naturally a very picky person when it comes to dating and that’s why I personally don’t think the “scared to be lonely” mentally applies to me. From the time that I was proper dating age (18 in an African household), my father instilled in me the principle that “you shouldn’t date someone just because you’re lonely”. When my parents met, they both sort of friend-zoned each other and eventually, when they were both single, they decided to date. Their marriage is almost 30 years strong and I believe their foundation of friendship is the secret to the longevity of the relationship. From this realization, I have deleted Tinder and have stopped shopping around for a guy based on how tall he is or much weight he can lift at the gym. So 2017, here’s to friendship and not being scared to be lonely.



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