On submissiveness and relationships

flower power
March 2019

Submissive. The true definition per Google is to be “ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.” If that is the definition we are going by, I do not think any person (man or woman) wants to be submissive in this century or ever. I think when we talk about being submissive in a relationship, we mean to cater to someone’s needs. This does not necessarily mean that you have conformed or chosen to be passive or cowered to some authority as the definition suggests. I believe that for those women and women who are happy in a relationship, they try to cater to the general wellness of the relationship. That may mean that as a man you take out the trash or as a woman, you cook the food. However, in ideal relationships, these are conscious decisions that are made to contribute to the benefit of the unit. I do not believe that this is submissiveness as nobody feels forced to do these activities. Again, each party is making a conscious decision to cater to the relationship.

            I saw a quote on social media that said “a woman is naturally submissive to a man who she trusts to lead..even if she’s an alpha female..” 86% of the person’s followers on social media agreed, including myself. But the more I thought about it, allowing somebody to lead is not necessarily being submissive. I would not say that I am submissive just because I try to follow the rules that have been set in place. Instead, I would say that I am a team player because I realize the role I need to play and why I should follow certain rules. This is exactly how I view relationships as well. Two people come together to form a team and agree on particular rules or arrangements. Following these rules, makes the person a team player and not “meekly obedient or passive”. Also, I have seen women lead/wear the pants in certain successful marriages and it is not because the man could not be trusted to lead. It was simply because of their personalities and skills such as money management that allowed these women to be the main leader of their households. But again, I think relationships have to be team-based so where one lacks, the other excels.

            The only caveat of this theory is that you never want your relationship to be like a group project gone wrong where one person does all the work. When one person is dominating one aspect of the relationship such as activities to do together, resentment from the other party can develop. Imagine the fight where one person says “I always do this” and the other says “well you are good at doing it so I thought you should always do it”. I think most of us would agree that we should try to help the other person with their dominant area. For example, I like to cook but I need someone who is at least willing to help out by chopping onions or even plating the food. Having someone who can even try to cook a few days a week would be even better but I try to keep my expectations low because some people really can’t even boil water lol. I am sure that the area of strengths for each person reveal themselves as a relationship grows and nobody can dive into a relationship knowing that their partner will be good at managing A, B, or C. I think the beauty of a relationship is getting to figure out how to be a winning team and this can be really fun especially if you have a sports mindset where you want to continuously improve your skills.

            So in a roundabout way, what I am saying is that I do not believe submissiveness is the key to a successful relationship. I think teamwork is the key and when I am married one day, I will come back and tell you if I was wrong or right lol. Feel free to share your thoughts as well.  🙂 ❤

Like my father

like my father photo
March 2010

Since birth, I have always been a daddy’s girl. When my mom used to get frustrated doing my hair as a little girl and want to shave it, my father would tell her to dare to cut it and risk getting returned to her village (this was obviously a joke by the way). But yes, my dad has always looked out for my best interest. When I wanted to get my hair chemically relaxed to be straight, he said no but since I wanted it so bad, my mom said yes. Now I wish I had listened to my father because my hair was so much healthier before. In fact, people I grew up with in Kenya remember me for my long hair. Hair stories aside, I sought my dad’s satisfaction the most (see previous post about how I tried to remain neutral in who I loved more). I think this was because my dad was very social and would brag about the exploits of my siblings and I to anyone who would listen. My mother is more introverted so not so much bragging there but of course, we could tell when she was proud of us too.

            They say that when a woman looks for a man, we look for our father’s or our brother’s characteristics in the man we marry. Sometimes, consciously and sometimes, subconsciously. In one of my previous relationships, the guy told me that his goal was to love me more than my father loves me. I did not think much about it then but recently, I thought about it and realized that the man who promised me this made a promise he could not keep. For one, my father has never put me in any situation that could hurt me. Secondly, my father will go above and beyond for anything that is important to me. Finally, I am named after my father’s mother so my father not only sees me as his daughter but also as the spirit of his mother. In essence, my father loves me as one would love their mother and child at the same time.

            I am not saying that your spouse can or cannot love you more than your parents. That is too deep of a philosophical question to answer in a blog post but what I do know is that as a woman, your relationship with your father plays a major role in your life. I know some people who did not have the most present or loving father and so they look to God to be their heavenly father. I think this is because we all desire security and love especially when we are young. I am blessed that my father provided both needs. He is not a perfect person but I can definitely say that I would not be the person that I am today, including my achievements, without his support. And to defy societal standards a bit let me share a few interesting characteristics about my dad:

  1. He has beautiful handwriting, actually better than my mom’s because he was taught calligraphy as a child.
  2. He is really good at cutting paper in a straight line and stayed up with me several times during my science fair projects to help me decorate my posters.
  3. The quote that I remember most from him is “work smarter not harder”. As such, I have a slight obsession with problem-solving and have a slight pet peeve with inefficiency

To make this blog post more well-rounded, I will say that we should all aim to be better than our parents and so I am not blind to any bad qualities that I may have picked up from my parents. But I think if you ever ask a woman whether she would prefer a better husband to her or a better father for her kids, she would go with the latter. So with that, thank you to the fathers who help to bring up good human beings into our society. Apparently, some countries celebrate fathers’ day in March so I guess this early fathers’ day blog post for those of us in the U.S.A while it is in due time for others. Either way, thank you for reading. 🙂 ❤

Love and Divine intervention

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January 2019

 I am not the most religious person in the world but I do believe that there is/are higher power(s) much bigger than humanity. I do believe that there are forces rooting for you and as in science, there are always equal opposite forces as well. These forces could be the goodwill and the bad nature of people. I think time is also a force that could work with you or against you especially when it comes to business and romance. I think that is why they say that good luck is when opportunity meets preparation and hard work. So whether you believe in God or not, I think it is hard to deny that there are forces much powerful than us. For example, a piano could fall from a building and squash someone to death; this would be due to the force known as gravity.

            To make this more personal, I have always told my friends that finding someone to marry should not be stressful because ultimately who you meet, how you meet, and when you meet is largely not up to you. You could be born a white woman born in Mid-Western American and end up marrying a black man from Kenya who will impregnate you with a man who will become the first black president of America. Yeah, I just used Barack Obama’s birth story for the sake of a non-political argument but let me stick to the point. The point is that we stress ourselves with whether we are making the right decisions about our love lives when we should just learn how to trust the divine plan or powers that be.

            Like I mentioned, I used to say that the divine plan is always working but when I would get deep in a relationship, I would try to force it to work not realizing that you should not have to force love to work. Love is either there or it is not. And as they say, you should always learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served. Even if the relationship does not work out with the person you are with, it is part of the divine plan as you are meant to learn something from it (whether you learn it is up to you). And for those of you who do not have a valentine’s this year, please remember that is also part of the plan. Look at Priyanka Chopra whose now husband, Nick Jonas, is 11 years younger than her. Maybe you just need to wait for your future bae to graduate high school, haha I am totally kidding (especially with this whole R. Kelly situation).

            Life is always full of surprises, so never try to plan out your life to the T. You can say, I must be married by 28 and end up meeting the love of your life at 35 like Priyanka. Just pray for good aging, moisturize day and night, and eat well so you can always look like a fresh snack even when you are very ripe in age. But ultimately looks will fade (different degrees for different people) so also work on yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. As I mentioned in my previous post about my 2019 goals, working on my spirituality is something that I really work on this year as I think when your spirit is in check, your mind and emotions follow suit. I will definitely update you guys about that as this year continues. I tend to get very into my feelings about my growth around my birthday so you can probably expect that towards the end of the year.

          I hope we may all get closer to our spirit and if you celebrate V-day, then may you spend it with someone you love, including yourself. 🙂 ❤

Don’t settle for less just because it’s available

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Orange Beach, Oct 2018

So many times in life we are presented with the conundrum (1. Noun. a confusing and difficult problem or question) of accepting something that is less than what we really want. This happens in our careers, romantic relationships, friendships, or even in basic things like what to wear. Some people choose to approach this by deciding to never compromise on anything if it’s less than what they want. Others choose to avoid conflict and accept something that is just good enough. I think both sides of this dilemma are a bit extreme. We can’t always get exactly what we want and we can’t always accept what we don’t want. So where does that leave us? I think it leaves us with having to mix and mesh both strategies. When it comes to serious things that completely affect your life like careers, romantic relationships, and friendships, you have to be decisive. You have to know at the basic minimum, what you want to do, who you want to be with, and who you want to be.

  1. So for example, I know that I’ve always wanted to be in the medical field and I am very happy with what I do. But don’t get me wrong, I do know I want to try different avenues in the future like maybe a more creative field. Therefore, I have an idea of how I like to work and do. If someone told me they would pay me a million dollars to be a surgeon, I would say no because I know I hate the sight of blood and other bodily fluids. So we should all come up with a list of interest and disinterests in order to figure out what we want to do with our lives.
  2. Romantic relationships. I saw someone on twitter saying that no matter who we end up, that person will be flawed. So love is knowing that you have to settle for that person’s flaw as well as their best attributes. In essence, you have to be so in love with their best attributes and not so disturbed by the worst attributes to be able make that relationship work. I am sure you have heard of imagining your potential partner as your future child and asking yourself if you would be happy if your child/children grew up to have the same qualities as your partner. And again, a list of “must haves” versus “would be nice to have” qualities for your future partner might help you in figuring this out. For example, I like tall men but that is definitely a would be nice to have versus a must have.
  3. I think that platonic relationships can be the easiest to settle for less than worthy because most of the time we are just looking for someone to hang out with, shop with, and listen to our problems. Rarely do we ever make a list of what qualities we want in our friendships and I believe that is why a lot of us endure a couple toxic friendships in our life. So I think in order to protect ourselves and our energy, we have to be just as decisive in our friendships. When someone is bringing negative energy in your life, you have to learn to distance yourself from that person. Being “friendly” is okay but you definitely do not have to be friends with someone that is bringing you down, whether mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. When you look for substance in your friends, you will end up with a strong circle of friends who motivate you, check you when you are wrong, and celebrate your success (that’s right, no haters).

 

I wish you all the best of luck in achieving success in all areas of your life. Remember success is based on what makes you happy versus society. Self-employment might be better than employment in a fortune 50 company. No ring on your finger might be better than a loveless union. Five friends might be better than having a million followers on social media. At the end of the day, do you and what makes you happy. 🙂 ❤

How comparison is and is not the thief of joy

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hollywood walk of fame, Sept 2018

         I know this is a complicated title but I think it is going to make a lot of sense in the end. So I recently watched a sermon by Steven Furtick who is the lead pastor at Elevation Church in Charlotte, North Carolina. In his sermon, he talks about confidence and how we must lose confidence in the flesh (ourselves and other humans) by gaining confidence in the Lord. He also addresses how our comparison to others can be a bad thing while comparing ourselves to Jesus/God can be a good thing. Why? Because God/Jesus isn’t using mad filters and great photography angles while wearing Gucci sandals to post on Instagram. God/Jesus is perfect and therefore, does not have to fake it till he/she makes it. God/Jesus does not even have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. Therefore, when we look up to God/Jesus we are pursuing an authentic purpose where comparing ourselves to other flawed beings is pointless.

            This sermon really touched base for me because I have been/still is that person that is faking it till they are making it and setting unnecessary pressures on myself because I have confidence in my flesh. Really I should be reminding myself of the grace that God has given us to make mistakes and not be perfect like him/her. So recognizing that you are just human is really important especially when your role models are humans. I came to realize at the end of my college years (my last graduation was last year by the way so I still remember them pretty well) that all the people I looked up to were inherently flawed. There were professors that I looked up to due to their work ethic but their love life was in shambles. There were career mentors that I looked up to who valued work more than mental/emotional health. All this kind of crushed me at first because I had to re-evaluate what I was chasing but eventually it led me to have peace and faith in something greater than myself.

            I initially discovered pastor Steven Furtick when I was going through that tough re-evaluation time where I had a lot of anxiety about the future. Despite being very hip and wearing Yeezy’s to church which some of the older generations would frown upon, Furtick has really great messages and I find him pretty funny which is a great quality for a pastor to have. I think if I lived in Charlotte, I would go to church every Sunday but since he is not, I watch him on YouTube. For those curious about him, I will link this particular sermon below. I hope you may find peace and meaning in your life. That to me is Nirvana (enlightenment) but that is a story for another time.

 

5 things I learned from Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes

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I want to start by saying that every autobiography of a successful person always emphasizes the value of hard work. I think it is somewhat implied in this summary especially in my first thing that I learned from Shonda Rhimes book, Year of Yes. So let’s dive right in.

  1. Check yourself. Recognize what is holding you back in life. Are you comfortable in your unhealthy lifestyle where you put work first and yourself last? Do you not spend enough time with your family? Are you in unhealthy relationships just because you are afraid of being alone? Shonda shares that she was pretty antisocial and was more comfortable working with her imaginary characters, with her favorite being Cristina Yang from Grey’s Anatomy. It wasn’t until her older sister told her that she is afraid to say yes to things that she decided to dedicate a whole year to saying Yes. Throughout that year, she grew as a mother, friend, work mate, and most importantly as an individual.
  2. Learn how to say NO. Essentially, say Yes to saying No. Before her Year of Yes, Shonda admits to finding it difficult to saying no to people. When people realize you don’t know how to say no, they start to take advantage of you. For example, think about the person that takes on extra work because everybody knows that he/she won’t say no. Don’t be that person. Learn how to set boundaries or you will find yourself drowning and the person responsible for the drowning will be you. I’ll end this with one of my favorite quotes: Don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep others warm- Penny Reid.
  3. Know yourself and never compromise who you are for anyone. I do not want to ruin the book for anyone but I think it is common language that Shonda has not birthed any children. However, she does have 3 children. Like Oprah, she doesn’t really believe in marriage. Despite societal norms, she has come to accept that she doesn’t need a man in the picture to have kids or even to raise them. I am personally very option to adoption of children so I was glad to read about a woman who shares similar unconventional values.
  4. Know what love means to you, including self-love. Yes, we should all love our bodies but what if we are in an unhealthy state? Should we not love our bodies enough to treat them as much care as we can. Shouldn’t we understand our unhealthy coping habits like eating lots of ice cream or drinking excessively, etc. Yes, I think a little bit of tough love can be self-love (like saying no to that extra piece of cake when our bodies are screaming yes). If somebody didn’t treat you right, you are quick to think they probably don’t love you. So when we are quick to trash our body, then we should recognize that we are not practicing self-love.
  5. Find your gladiators and love the hell out of them. Your gladiators are the people that fight for you, root for you, and also put you in check when needed. They want nothing but the best for you. They do not limit you to who you are now. They see the best possible version of yourself and push you to strive for that. They know your weaknesses and strengths yet they want you to face your fears. And if you are their gladiator, then you do the same. Be their Olivia Pope, without the being mistress to the president part.

Thank you for reading. May you say yes to the things that scare you. May the year of yes transform into a lifestyle as it did for Shonda Rhimes, the queen of Thursday night television with Grey’s Anatomy, How to Get Away with Murder, and Scandal under her belt. 🙂 ❤

5 things I learned from reading Kevin Hart’s “I can’t make this up”

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August 2018, Fairhope

I would like to start by saying that if you have access to a good public library, then save your coins and your house from book clutter by borrowing books from the library. It supports your local community and maybe reduces your carbon footprint. Either way, reading is good for you because as we feed our bodies, we must also feed our minds. And if you ever want to really laugh, just read a book written by a comedian. I recently read Kevin Hart’s I can’t make this up which is a book with many little chapters and a lot of life lessons. Here are the top 5 lessons I learned from the book:

  1. If you’re going to hustle, hustle hard! A lot of people think that Kevin Hart is an overnight success but once you read the book you realize that his success climaxed after about 15 to 18 years of grinding. He toured a lot of small comedy clubs all over the US several times before being able to sell out basketball arenas.
  2. Life is an ebb and flow of ups and downs. Before becoming a household name, he had a few breaks such as being cast in movies like Soul Plane and Fool’s Gold which actually flopped at the box office. When Kevin Hart got cast in these movies he thought they were going to be his big breaks but for reasons beyond his control, it didn’t work out that way. However, he credits such experiences for humbling him and teaching him not to be overexcited about projects because you’re never know how they’re going to turn out.
  3. You can’t force a relationship to work. Kevin grew up with separated parents and he himself is now divorced from his first wife. His relationship with his wife had a lot of trust issues even in the dating face and for some reason they both thought marriage would make things better due to vows. However, they were both unhappy in the marriage and it took both of them a long time to realize that they would be happier apart from each either. The main thing Kevin worried about in divorcing his wife was whether it was the right move for his two kids. However, after a bit of separation, he realized that exposing his kids to a dysfunctional marriage would probably lead them to fall into the same cycle later.
  4. Stay positive and check yourself. We all have flaws and usually, they are our biggest obstacle to achieving success. If your work ethic isn’t there, then you’re not going to go far. If you have an addiction (which Kevin Hart admits to having alcohol binging and gambling problems), then you need to seek help. If you have bad spending habits, then you’ll never have a great net worth despite how much money you make. So analyze yourself and try to understand your flaws so you can eventually overcome them. Also, staying positive will give you a lot of peace.
  5. Teamwork makes the dream work. A lot of people (including myself before reading this book) don’t know that Kevin has a well-sized team that is mainly composed of his friends. One of his friends helps him write jokes, another helps with traveling logistics, another was opening his comedy shows for him, another was helping with organizing after parties for his shows, and then, of course, he had his comedy manager. Maybe, in the beginning, you can do it alone but as the African proverb states “if you want to go far, go together”.

I hope you pick up a book, whether today, tomorrow or later this month. Happy reading 🙂 ❤

What defines a “Cool guy” ft Ciara

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So Ciara was in the mix of some unwarranted comments from a man who has a theory that she is only with Russell Wilson because of his money. The man went on to say that deep down Ciara loves “cool guys” like Future and only settled for Russell. To counter these statements, Ciara posted a photo describing what a cool man is to her. One of the descriptions was that a cool man is “a man that carries himself as though you are in his presence even if you’re not.” I think that’s the statement that really shows that Future is not a cool man because he is not a responsible man. Future disrespected both Ciara and their son by cheating on her. As far as we know, all Russell has done is show Ciara and her son love and respect. So in my opinion, both Ciara and Russell won this argument. I hope they may continue to live happily ever after.

When I read the list of descriptions that make a man “cool”. It also reminded me of the want list that a lot of us have when we’re looking for a partner to spend our lives with. I think Ciara’s list is spot on. I am not sure if this is the list she used when looking for a partner after she broke up with future but it’s pretty clear that Russell has all those qualities. This week I was watching a Kenyan blogger, Ess (Sharon Mundia), who recently got a tv show called “living with ess” on NTV. One of her guests this week was a man who has been married for 7 years and was giving some great dating advice. One of the tips he mentioned is to have a list of what you’re looking for in a partner. He also went on to say that when we write something on a wish list, the more we see it wherever we go. He made this analogy with a phone where you’re interested in a particular phone and everywhere you go, you now start to notice advertisements for that phone. This may have something to do with the “law of attraction” which I can’t speak much about since I haven’t read that book. However, I am sure everyone would like a little help from the universe in getting what they want. 🙂 ❤