I guess you can think of this post as a sequel or prequel to the last post on breakups. This post was actually inspired by one of the hosts of Snappp 254 (a snapchat which features a different Kenyan host each day). The guy who goes by Kelly described his philosophy on love and I think it changed how I think about this tedious process that we call dating.
So to describe Kelly’s philosophy, he believes that you should never enter the dating stage without being friends first. He provided examples of how people break-up stating such reasons as “oh she didn’t want kids” or “he was an alcoholic” which are reasons that don’t take dating someone to realize. If you are friends with someone first, you become familiar with most of their flaws and can determine whether it would be appropriate for you to date the person.
I think this is such a great philosophy that can save people from unnecessary heartbreak. I think we do more research on what car we want to buy than the person we want to date. You know that commercial that always states that you should get the CarFax (background history on the car) before buying it, well I think we can apply that same thinking to dating. Before we jump into the next shiny looking suitor, we should try to get to know them a bit more to determine their background history and what their specifications are (do they want kids, what are their vices, etc).
From the encouragement of my best friend, I joined Tinder a couple of weeks ago and before you ask, it is not strictly for hookups. My experience has been alright so far but I am one of those adrenaline junkie type girls that get bored with the typical dinner date filled with endless small talk. So, I’ve actually decided to delete the app after this week. To me, it has become a distraction more than anything else. This week alone I have been on four dates with three different people and although they’ve all been nice, I just don’t care for a relationship right now. I also think dating apps force you into dating someone pretty quickly before being friends first so it doesn’t fit into the philosophy that I’ve now subscribed to.
I made a joke last week on my Snapchat that I’ve been asking God to show me what goat he wants me to sacrifice so that I can find the Barack to my Michelle. If you guys have any tips, suggestions, or philosophies that you would like to share, please comment below!
May peace, love, and happiness fill your life! 🙂 ❤
I have a theory that modern day breakups are 10 times as hard as in the olden days when computers and Facebook didn’t exist. Why you ask? Simply stated, it’s because Facebook and social media does not permit the forgive and forget process to go as easily. It is hard to move on when you have to delete those cute pictures that you and your ex-bae took together. Once you do get the courage to delete the pictures, your ex-bae’s profile creeps on you when you see one of his or her posts. Furthermore, some ex-baes do not obey the no-contact rule and still continue to stalk you on LinkedIn (which of course sends notifications of who looked at your profile) and even muster the courage or stupidity to like one of your not so recent Facebook posts. If you’ve been fortunate enough not to experience such selfish acts of friendliness/voyeurism/stalker-ism, then trust me when I say it is unnecessary torture.
My ideal break-up is described well by a Gwen Stefani song that I am obsessed and recently learned to play on the guitar. The song known as “Cool” which has an awesome video that I’ll link below is about being “cool” with your ex no matter what you went through and being happy for them even if that means finding different significant others to be with. My favorite lines come from both the opening and closing verse which I’ll list below.
Opening verse:
It’s hard to remember how it felt before,
Now I found the love of my life…
Passes things get more comfortable,
Everything is going right.
Closing verse:
And I’ll be happy for you if you can be happy for me.
Circles and triangles, and now we’re hangin’ out with your new girlfriend,
So far from where we’ve been,
I know we’re cool. I know we’re cool.
So far, I haven’t experienced this cool-ness with any of my exes but speaking for my own behalf, I am at peace with them. I wouldn’t mind meeting any of my exes’ new girlfriends because I can be happy for them and hope that they would be happy for me too if I found love. But anyway, you guys should seriously watch the video to Gwen Stefani’s song.
Side note: Her platinum blonde hair tempts me to try blonde one day but clearly we do have very different skin tones. Let me know what you think of the video and if you think I could pull of the blonde look.
As someone who had to take an Introduction to African American History course in college to actually learn more than the few paragraphs of black history that we learn in Elementary and High school, I have come to appreciate any opportunity that presents more learning about the history of my race. Of course, in Kenya I did learn Kenyan history and we didn’t have a month devoted to that as we are all Kenyans there. So in comparison, I find Black History Month to not be enough as a significant portion of history has been lost or hidden (I think hidden is more appropriate because if I could learn a lot more in college, a lot more can be taught at all levels of schooling).
My experience with Black History Month, especially in high school, was that we would discuss the same ten people every year (Martin Luther King Jr, Madame CJ Walker, Rosa Parks, and I am sure you can name the rest). I don’t understand why Black History Month needs a poster boy: MLK and poster girl: Rosa Parks. I think each year we should try to highlight more and more African Americans that we have never heard of, such as Robert Smalls who became a sea captain during the civil war which led President Lincoln to accept black soldiers in the war. I had to go to college to learn about Robert Smalls as well as about the black bourgeoisie and the industrial prison complex which constitutes modern day slavery of minorities who are disproportionally imprisoned as compared to whites (if you don’t believe me read The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander).
This year I celebrated Black History Month by watching I Am Not Your Negro which highlights James Baldwin’s involvement in the civil rights movement and his relationships with the key figures of that time, namely Martin Luther King Jr, Malcolm X, and Medgar Evers. I also watched Hidden Figures during Christmas which helped me to learn about other black women who contributed to NASA’s advancements (as I already knew about Mae Jemison who was the first black female astronaut and is included in that list of the 10 people we hear about every black history month). Maybe if I had learned about Katherine Johnson, the mathematical genius behind the calculations for the trajectories to the moon, I would have been inspired to choose a career in Math or engineering instead of health sciences. However, the movie was inspiring to me even as a pharmacy major where there are not many black students at my school and it sometimes feel like we have to work twice as hard to get the same acknowledgement. Hidden Figures definitely touched my heart on several levels including the balance of career and family that we women often have to worry about. During moments of wanting to give up, I now tell myself that if these women could achieve what they did in segregation era, I can also find a way.
And that’s exactly why I think learning about other characters in the scheme of black history is so important. We need continuous inspiration and therefore, we must widen the spectrum of black history from the 10 key figures that we always talk about to the infinite number of characters that we can learn about.
I don’t think this is the appropriate time to reveal that I also watched Get Out yesterday and despite the era of a black president, racists do exist and the use of black people as vessels of labor, tools stripped of their humanity, is not new. However, the movie is just so well-written and nuanced that I recommend everyone to watch it. Sure it is a horror film and has nothing to do with black history, except for the fact that similar gruesome things have happened to black people throughout history but I won’t mention which since that might give away the story.
As we are now in March and Black History was quintessentially awarded the shortest month of the year, I do hope that all of you were able to learn something new this year about someone other than the aforementioned 10 figures that we usually reuse and recycle. If not, why not use the rest of the year to do the same as time is in fact relative.
As you may have not noticed amongst my short dresses and well-crafted hair and make-up, I am a well-seasoned tom boy. My style has become girly over the years but I’ve been a tom boy since childhood. If you want me to prove it, I can show you the scars from racing people on the track, my warning slips from elementary school from associating with a group of rambunctious boys, my lack of poise and avoidance of the color pink for the majority of my life.
So I am sure you are asking, how is life as a tom boy? Don’t you worry because this post will highlight both the advantages and short-comings of associating more with the male species.
So ladies, I would advise you to get a group of male friends to make your dating and financial life better. For those of you who are seasoned tom boys, like me, feel free to comment with your experiences to add to anything I might have missed.
-originally written on August 15, 2010
So…. I am still searching although saying this at the age of 17 sounds so unfitting. but correction i am not searching for “mr.right” at this point in my life i am searching for “mr.right now” which means i want nothing serious. When I go off to college the fling with whatever person I am with will probably end and I am perfectly fine with that.
To recap on how I got from “Martin” to still searching, I’ll remind u that on the last post I said that we never kissed on the first date which was weird and maybe i sabotaged the date by saying “this is awkward” at the moment where he would have kissed me. So the next day he did not call me which was weird because he always texts or calls me everyday which I wouldn’t mind if he didn’t but this was the day after our first date so i felt like something was off.
I decided to call him the next day if he didn’t call and ask him what was up and if we needed to have the “talk”. The next day I wake up at 12:00 to a message from Martin saying “want to hang out at the park later” and the next one saying “to talk”. I texted him back explaining that I am supposed to do school shopping that day and I can give him an answer after i ask my dad what time we are going school shopping. My dad says 3:00 so I eat a snack and ride my bike to the park. I find Martin filling his bottle with water. I avoid eye contact and we sit on a concrete bench across from the wooden swing bench we sat on out 1st hang-out outside of the museum. We greet each other and he asks me how my 4,000 word paper is coming along. I say it’s coming. More talk….blah blah blah. And then to cut to the chase because i know at this point he’s not worth the time since he’s ending this, i say “so what was this all for?” and he says “you know because of yesterday, i was thinking that we are just friends, i don’t know how you feel but i thought it would be best to tell you in person instead of being a jerk and telling you on the phone” so i say “well that’s respectable, that’s good”. I avoid answering the question because if he feels we are just friends after all that has happened then he’s not worth it plus I knew this day would come because we had very few things in common – in fact, we always ended up talking about the same things.
So to change the subject, i say “so you are going to the stand up comedy thing right?” and he says “yes” and i say “that’s good, i don’t think i could have come anyway”. The conversation moves on for like 10 minutes and I want to go home because he is not worth my time anymore. So i say “well i have a lot of stuff to do to day, so i have to go”. Then we hug awkwardly and leave. I go home, call my bestie, and vent telling her that I will be a serial dater from now on-nothing serious maybe even just a make-out partner. No strings attached cause I am too busy right now to even indulge myself.
-originally written August 5, 2010
So I just came home from what? A date? with who you ask?Obama! No not really. But if you guessed Martin, then you are totally right! And am so happy it worked out cause I was so anxious like 5 minutes before he came to pick me up. There wasn’t enough time to call any of my friends to give me a pep talk. So I told myself “get a grip, there’s nothing to lose- If he doesn’t like you or misbehaves then you got to watch a movie free of charge” (since he was paying for the date-at least the most expensive part since I offered to pay for ice cream after the movie).
Anyway let’s start from the beginning. So he shows up at my house at 6:00 or at least my driveway at 6:00 since technically I shouldn’t be dating-you know how Kenyan parents are with wanting you to stay single until you’re like 50 years old. So I walk out of my house in a dark blue skirt and light blue-checkered shirt, and my natural hair tied back in a ponytail. By the way, I am scared that he’ll freak and ask what happened to my hair since the last time he saw me I had long brunette braids. But he doesn’t. I find him standing outside his car waiting for me and I hug him while asking if he had trouble finding the place. He replies “No” and explains that his cross country team runs around my area, so..wasn’t hard.
So we talk about Covert Affairs and Psych which are popular shows right now in the U.S.
We arrive at the movies at 6:30 and then he buys the tickets and we walk in. *mistake he made-not opening the door 4 me but it’s probably because I didn’t give him a chance*.
So we are walking to the theatre room where we are supposed to see Inception and on our way some black dude pops out of nowhere and asks “hey man! where did you get those shoes from” Martin replies “Shoe Station” and the guy thanks him stating that he’s been wanting shoes like that. We then proceed to bursting out laughing because that was just totally uncalled for. So we walk into the theatre with me in the lead and I lead him to the seats all the way at the top/back because I always see couples seating at the top probably for their privacy (especially for make out sessions if there are any). Martin then asks me “do you always sit at the back?” and i say “yes”-although I really don’t , I usually sit at the middle with my brothers. He says “oh ok. I usually sit at the middle”.
So we watch the previews for upcoming movies while waiting for our movie to start which leads to awkward silence and laughs. After about 20 minutes, the movie starts and we are very into it. If you haven’t heard INCEPTION is a mind blowing movie. We don’t even talk except for the occasional “that’s so cool” from him and the “yeah it is” from me. After about two hours, we finish the movie. Martin walks in front and kind of fast for me considering that my thighs are so sore from running 5 miles yesterday. Anyway, he opens the door for me this time and we leave to go eat ice cream across the street. When we get to Marble Slab Creamery, he apparently is really full and isn’t in the mood for ice cream-which i am perplexed by because who is never in the mood for ice cream?! ( I was thinking maybe he just didn’t want me to spend money on him cause he might look like a total douche bag in front of all the workers and customers). So I order my rocky road which is made of -walnuts, chocolate chips, chocolate ice cream and marshmallows. While waiting for the workers to mix it up, I ask ” so what did you eat that made you so full?”
Martin-“a panini”
Me-“a panini? that shouldn’t make you so full”
Martin-“it was a really big panini-cause i made it at home”
Me-“okay if you say so”
So i get my rocky road pay the $5 and we go sit all the way at the back of the shop since I hate people staring at me. The conversations are less awkward than before as we talk about my so-called allergies to nuts. And then my real allergy to red ants. On another tangent, we discuss christmas in the Summer in Kenya, white christmas in Germany, locker situations at our school and of course how cool the movie was.
I finish my ice cream. We leave and on our drive back to my house, we talk about other random things such as how far i’ve gotten with my school work (like my 4,000 word paper that I have to write in a week or so because I procrastinated over the summer). Finally we get to my house. He stops the car and there is…awkward silence. He unbuckles his seat belt which totally throws me off-am like wondering what is he going to do? kiss me? hug me?
And he’s like “so…”
and i am like “so…this is awkward”
“why do you have to make it awkward”
“cause I am really bad at goodbyes”
“i am used to them because of the move from Germany and stuff”
“yeah..i’ve never gotten used to them”
“so Saturday there is that comedy thing I was telling you about and if you want to go..let me know if you are not busy with your school stuff”
and i am like yes!score!Date #2 . but what i say is” well i am going to this graduating thing this Friday”
“graduation? isn’t high school over”
“no college like the nurses are graduating right now”
“oh ok”
“and so unless the graduate wants to host an all-weekend part. I should be able to go. just let me know the time and stuff”
“ok i can do that”
“so.. i guess talk to you later” and we hug.
I walk away and I guess he’s still looking at me walking away since he doesn’t drive away.
Anyway the night ended nicely as I found mbuzi/goat for dinner although my mom who i guess i can’t fool as she immediately exclaimed “oh you look nice! -like you just came from a date” and i say “i am not a lesbian. i was just going out with my girl friend from school” and she’s like “well back in the day we used to tell our parents we were going out with Mary when we were really going out with Martin” and my mind is like who is this mindreader that possessed my mom?
Anyway I was such in a good mood that my mom was like “you should go out more. It seems to make you happy” and i say “yeah. I would if you gave me money”
So I eat my goat. post on Facebook something general about the night. Later I see that Martin liked my post and so I proceeded to like his less general post about the night.
I probably won’t go to the comedy thing because of all the things I have to do for school work but I will definitely keep you guys posted on what happens with Martin.
-originally written July 19, 2010
So I think, this week, I was supposed to talk about interracial relationships and what has happened with Martin thus far. Well, the funny thing is that my African American friend and I just happened to be talking about this last week and so it should be fresh on my mind. So the question was: why are there not more interracial relationships; why are people so scared? Well I think people are usually not against interracial dating themselves but are usually afraid to engage in it because of what other people will think-whether it be friends, family, or suspicious onlookers in the street. Personally, I feel open towards interracial dating-obviously; however, my plan is to try to find someone within the Kenyan community first before I venture outside. Which in my case there aren’t any Kenyan boys my age where I live and so I have no choice but to venture out of my race bubble.
So I pledged to explain the title on part 1. Well continuing with precedent, it is a Bob Marley song and i thought it best fitted the blog because of my mentality when it comes to love. I think due to past experiences, I try to guard my heart from heartbreak. For example, I prefer to enter relationships with people who I know that I will enjoy their company, who will treat me right, but where it is assured that the relationship will have to end. Like for example, earlier this summer, this guy-Paul- and I were really hitting it off-he enjoyed talking- him more than I. And although I knew this guy wasn’t the one, I liked the idea of a relationship with him because its future was predicted due to the fact that he would be leaving for college in September. Either way, things didn’t work out but history has repeated itself with Martin.
What appeals to me about this guy is that he’s good boyfriend material and he would be indispensable in senior year with all these senior dances that we have to go to with a date. But the main thing is that I know it will end and probably how it will end since he plans to go to Germany for college and me to Boston. So personally, it seems to me that I like relationships that have a guarantee and that are predictable because there is less chance for heartbreak. I don’t like to be in a relationship with a guy i truly and fully like, where I am imagine him as the one, because I would want the relationship to last and if it didn’t, I would be heartbroken. I am thinking I will stop this cycle in college because well heartbreak is a part of college and life and sooner or later we must experience it. Also, it would be easier to rebound from a breakup un college than in high school because there are eligible guys everywhere in college as opposed to the 15 guys I see everyday for my IB (international baccalaureate) school program out of the 2500 ppl that go to my school. And #2 I don’t want the distractions that are accompanied by heartbreak during this year when I have to get my test scores right so that I can get into the colleges i want to go to. However, when I imagine my life some 10 years from now I imagine having a husband that loves me as much as I love him. And so I hope that God “sends me that love” someday, maybe not now, if he hasn’t already. So next post, I will talk about what happened between me and martin on our date.
-originally written on July 15, 2010
So this week has been a crazy week due to my mad volunteering that is required for me to get a diploma. I have been volunteering at an art museum and like science exhibit place working with the children in their summer camps. So I never met any good looking guys at either of them and i assumed it was because of the fact that all hot guys are lazy, vain, and wouldn’t think of helping others. But I was wrong. There’s this new guy-lets call him Martin- and well he might not be like a male runway model but he’s nice looking. Just so you know, he’s from Germany which means Caucasian, white etc.- I guess i’ll touch on this subject later. Well anyway, the first day he was there he was just looking at some art and I pointed to the one next to it and told him my friend did that-(the person whom i consider my best american friend is a beast artist).
Anyway, the second day he was assigned to the same classroom at me and I didn’t think much of him. But throughout the day he would like give me these looks-maybe flirty-not overly flirty since a room full of kids and a teacher isn’t the best flirting setting. On that day I had commented that I am from Kenya and he didn’t say anything which I thought was weird b/c when I tell people where I am from, I end up being bombarded with questions.So day #2- Wednesday, some kid was drawing like the emblem of an american football team and the teacher commented that he wasn’t that into football which led Martin to say me neither. This shocked me b/c at the time I assumed this is a white guy from the South and these Southern guys love their american football. And so I, surprised, said “really, why is that?”, Martin responds- “I just didn’t grow up with it”, me-“oh, so where did u grow up?”, Martin- “Germany”, me-” wow! thats cool, i didn’t grow up with football either in Kenya, i grew up with the other kind of football” which led to him stating that he wasn’t really into either football and that he ran cross country (which I am going to do this year).
So i guess we bonded on those similarities of being foreigners and runners, maybe more him than me. But that’s normal for me since when it comes to guys, I am always the one is less emotionally invested. Anyway, I was supposed to leave early at 4:45 to go to cross country practice but I guess our conversation was going so well I decided to just be late. On our way out, he asked me if I was working the next day and so I thought that was a big hint that he definitely liked me since if he didn’t, why would he care.
Today we ended up talking a lot more about our college plans, favorite subjects, our countries’ weathers and seasons. His affinity for waking up early in the morning mine for sleeping in late. But overall I think our relations at this point has been characterized by this comfortable silence – because silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing, to me it means u’re comfortable enough with a person that you don’t have to say anything to each other to enjoy each other’s presence- and a lot of SMILES at each other. But honestly as far as I am concerned he doesn’t have the physical characteristics that i like-tall. Although, he does have these beautiful green ways that I just want to swim in. But character wise i think he might be what i am looking for-nice, caring, responsible etc. However, his humor is definitely not on point, he may just be trying too hard at his own expense but at least he’s trying.
Tomorrow is Friday, so the last day to volunteer this week, and I am interested to see what happens, what I am wondering is- why doesn’t he just ask for my number. Because, although on his 1st day he said he was only volunteering this week, he now says he will be there next week-maybe his mind was changed by a special someone? But anyway if he’s going to set something up, he needs to hurry up and do it.
On “send me that love” part 2 i will explain the title-its deeper than it seems and of course, I’ll update you on what happened.
So I am challenging myself to get inspiration for blog titles from Bob Marley songs, hence the “no woman no cry”. I think this song is very relatable as winter is so-called cuffing season where we all seek to find a mate to cuddle with “by the fire light drinking corn meal porridge.” I had the pleasure (sarcasm) of experiencing my first American winter when my family landed in windy and cold Carbondale, IL from the paradise that is Kenya. Carbondalae was a barren ice land. No jobs, nothing to do. And to top it all off, school didn’t go so well for me because I failed to make friends due to the fact that I was a foreigner and people didn’t like that. For example, One time I remember crying because we were supposed to be writing in “cursive” in class and since I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing. The kid told the teacher “she doesn’t know cursive, she’s from Africa!” My 10 year old self had never experienced such embarrassment in her life.
I only had one true friend, Kylie, who wasn’t very friendly as she was a loner and instead of playing with me, she would go play by herself. But then some teachers, I guess out of pity, introduced me to these girls who I guess were forced to talk and play with me. So obviously I didn’t like it there, after being dethroned from the queen bee status that I held in Kenya among my clique and being turned into an outcast. However, there was one good thing about Carbondale: Charlie.
Charlie was in 5tth grade and I was in 4th grade. I know Charlie isn’t a cool sounding name but he was the most popular guy in school. Gorgeous. charismatic. charming. and all the girls were in love with him. He lived like 1 house away from mine and so we got off the same bus stop. I guess he was just a friendly guy or he was attracted to the gold threads and cowrie shells in my hair like most people. Anyway, he would try to talk to me about the cars passing by: Hummers, Mustangs which I knew nothing about coming from Kenya where every foreign car is a Toyota. So i just never said anything or nodded my head and ran home to write on my hand: Mercy Loves Chuck. He would play American football with his friends and I would climb the tree in my backwards to watch while pretending to look at the street. He would play with my brother and watch the cars on the streets go by together( maybe the reason why my brother is so fascinated with cars) until he was almost like a second brother to my little brother, Juma. So it went on like this for a year until the last week before we moved to Alabama where I was jumping rope with his little sister(btw i am a mean jump roper) when he jumped in the rope and started jumping behind me. I could feel him breathing on my neck and I just got so nervous and tripped on the rope- i didn’t fall btw. So I ran back in the house out of shame. Anyway, so during the last day of Carbondale, his sister kept hinting that Chuck liked me but obviously I was a shy girl and couldn’t act on it #1 because my parents would kill me and #2 b/c of the whole Kenyan accent thing.
Anyway, so i left Carbondale without ever saying goodbye to him and when during the first year in Alabama, I would kiss his picture from the yearbook at our elementary school. I don’t know what happened to the picture but I still remember him clearly from his dimples to his irresistible smile. Last summer after finding the yearbook, I looked up my friend Kyle and found her on facebook. I sent a brief message trying to remind her who I was but no reply. Anyway, i didn’t expect one considering the fact that she has totally changed, has a lip and nose piercing, has straightened and colored her hair but even through all that, she still can’t hide her striking unforgettable face. I also tried to find Chuck but no luck-he went by several aliases back in elementary school so I wont be surprised if he doesn’t go by chuck or charlie anymore. But the funny thing is, even though I know that there is like 0.001% chance of me ever seeing him again, I still wonder WHAT IF: what if I saw him again, what if I hadn’t moved, what if I confronted him about our feelings for each other. Realistically, I know that he probably doesn’t even remember who I am but the sentimentalist in me will always cherish his memory as my first childhood crush in America.
broughttoamerica.com 