So I’ve been fortunate to have only dated a couple metrosexual men especially considering that I am a tom boy and could not be bothered with high maintenance lifestyles. If you haven’t had the pleasure of interacting with a metrosexual man, then think of a man with borderline “feminine” grooming tendencies but with the sexual preference for the opposite sex. Two major clues about a metrosexual man is his eyebrows and fingernails. Eyebrows is the major clue because most men don’t get their eyebrows done and if they do it’s just a little trim, whereas metrosexual men take it to the next level with defined arches and no stubble. Well-groomed fingernails, even to the point of getting a mani-pedi, is another indicator of metro-sexuality, unless he is just blessed like my two brothers who won the lottery when it comes to beautiful nails.
I don’t have any statistics to share and I don’t think any research has been done on this but I think grooming standards for men has decreased over time. Just think 1950-1970s era where men would wear oxford shirts and slacks with dress shoes every day. Hair grooming was also a big deal especially with the 1970s when everyone carried a hair pick around to keep their afro well shaped all day. These days most guys wake up sniff one of the t-shirts on the floor and wear it with the same pants they’ve been wearing all week. The only thing most guys care about these days is their shoes, whether it means shelling hundreds of dollars on the new Yeezys or Jordan’s (FYI, I think both of them are ugly and prefer standard sneakers like Adidas or puma).
However, as much as I hate the lack of effort that most guys display these days in terms of their grooming, I would still not want to end up with a metrosexual man. Like I said before I am not high maintenance for the most part, like my make-up routine takes 15 minutes maximum, and I go for a mani-pedi once every blue moon (although I do keep my nails nicely cut and clean). Dating a metro-sexual man puts too much pressure on me to pull all the stops in my grooming and dressing whereas I think it should always be the opposite dynamic where the woman upgrades the man (cue Beyonce’s upgrade you). However, on the opposite side, I have dated one guy who needed serious upgrading and the more I tried to help him out, the more he resented me. Therefore, my theory when it comes to dating is that you should date the person who can keep up with you in terms of grooming and dressing.
As mentioned in my previous post on dating, I have gone on a few tinder dates and due to my disappointment, I deleted the Tinder app. However, I did keep interacting with one guy that I had previously connected with on Tinder before deleting it. To this date, I have gone on three dates with him and I recently queried my Snapchat followers on whether I should continue interacting with him or “go ghost on him” which means deleting his number and never answering his texts (the adult version of “playing dead” haha).
One of my complaints of the guy, who happens to be Nigerian but speaks with a British accent for some reason, is that he is not chivalrous. Example A, for the past three dates, I have always put my card on the table after the bill comes and he never stops me, like a normal African would. Like, African men are so chivalrous when it comes to paying for dates that even if you’re not dating them, they still will. For example, one of my good Nigerian guy friends always pays for my movie ticket when we go to the cinema despite the fact that he’s too young for me and we’ll never date.
So I was very perplexed, when this guy continued to let my pay my way for the dates. Don’t get me wrong, I am a feminist and which is why I don’t assume that he’ll pay for me. However, for African dating, the expectation is that the man will usually pay for dates, at least during the initial encounters. An African guy (raised in America) on my Snapchat, brought up an interesting point that Tinder is not for courting; it was created for hookups and therefore, a guy should not be expected to be chivalrous.
I do not agree with the point he raised as my one of my first dates on Tinder was very romantic (picture me and the guy watching the beautiful Boston skyline by the Charles River). To add to this, imagine the guy opening my car door and allowing me to get in and out before he closes it for me. I didn’t expect this from him but this just goes to show that there are men out there who are on Tinder but are still chivalrous. To add insult to injury for this unchivalrous Nigerian man, when he dropped me off at my house, he didn’t even wait for me to get in the house before speeding off. That is what hit the nail on the coffin for me. Even Uber drivers have the courtesy to wait for girls to get in the house before driving off. I think it is one of the things that can show you how caring a man is. So with his repertoire of lack of chivalry and caring for my safety, I bid the Nigerian guy fare well and he marks the end of my Tinder dating.
Recently, I read a magazine article featuring Priyanka Chopra who is 34 years old, amazingly beautiful (she won Miss World in 2000), and is surprisingly single. When asked about her yearn to get married, she replied that she doesn’t force relationships to happen as most of her life success and where she is now has happened due to serendipity. So for her, there’s no point in stressing about a man; he’ll come into her life when he’s meant to come. That thought process put me even more at ease about being single. I am not going to date anyone for the sake of dating: that’s a waste of my time. So here’s to waiting for Mr. Right!
P.S. I know everyone’s theory on chivalry is different, so feel free to comment with your thoughts about my experiences or yours.
This post is also inspired by a song which I discovered this week just randomly looking at the posts on my soundcloud feed. The song is appropriated titled “scared to be lonely” as it describes a relationship that starts with great physical chemistry but as it progresses, both parties realize that there might be somebody better for both of them. However, both parties hang on to the relationship and the singer questions whether the only reason they keep coming back for more, is because they’re both scared to be lonely. When I first heard the song, I kept playing it on repeat for the whole day as the singer’s vocals are just amazing and it has a bit of a EDM type beat which I am sometimes into. If that’s up your alley, I’ll post the link to the video below.
But to move on to the substance of the song, I think the lyrics speak volumes about some of the relationships I’ve observed and even been a part of. I think in this day and age of Tinder and other similar apps, where most of us are focusing on the people’s looks, we tend to value the physical quality of the person rather than the substance of who they are. I also think that when we do find someone we sort of like and other people aren’t pursuing us, we tend to settle for what is most convenient. Most of the time, we don’t think that it will be a serious thing but slowly the “feelings” creep up and soon enough you’re an “item” with someone. They’re nice and usually the relationship is easy but deep down inside, both of you know that you weren’t each other’s first choice. Sometimes this leads to marriage because everyone else around you is tying the knot and you both decide why not?! You both deny the fact that you settled for less for as long as possible but deep down you both know that the emotional chemistry is not there. Some decide to stick to their marriage partner, especially when kids are involved but others eventually make a decision to walk out to find what they really wanted in the first place.
I have observed this scenario in enough couples to make it a significant phenomenon and I think maybe this is why divorce rates are increasing in the world, especially in the U.S. I think the moral of the story is dating someone just because you’re lonely is a recipe for disaster. I am naturally a very picky person when it comes to dating and that’s why I personally don’t think the “scared to be lonely” mentally applies to me. From the time that I was proper dating age (18 in an African household), my father instilled in me the principle that “you shouldn’t date someone just because you’re lonely”. When my parents met, they both sort of friend-zoned each other and eventually, when they were both single, they decided to date. Their marriage is almost 30 years strong and I believe their foundation of friendship is the secret to the longevity of the relationship. From this realization, I have deleted Tinder and have stopped shopping around for a guy based on how tall he is or much weight he can lift at the gym. So 2017, here’s to friendship and not being scared to be lonely.
I guess you can think of this post as a sequel or prequel to the last post on breakups. This post was actually inspired by one of the hosts of Snappp 254 (a snapchat which features a different Kenyan host each day). The guy who goes by Kelly described his philosophy on love and I think it changed how I think about this tedious process that we call dating.
So to describe Kelly’s philosophy, he believes that you should never enter the dating stage without being friends first. He provided examples of how people break-up stating such reasons as “oh she didn’t want kids” or “he was an alcoholic” which are reasons that don’t take dating someone to realize. If you are friends with someone first, you become familiar with most of their flaws and can determine whether it would be appropriate for you to date the person.
I think this is such a great philosophy that can save people from unnecessary heartbreak. I think we do more research on what car we want to buy than the person we want to date. You know that commercial that always states that you should get the CarFax (background history on the car) before buying it, well I think we can apply that same thinking to dating. Before we jump into the next shiny looking suitor, we should try to get to know them a bit more to determine their background history and what their specifications are (do they want kids, what are their vices, etc).
From the encouragement of my best friend, I joined Tinder a couple of weeks ago and before you ask, it is not strictly for hookups. My experience has been alright so far but I am one of those adrenaline junkie type girls that get bored with the typical dinner date filled with endless small talk. So, I’ve actually decided to delete the app after this week. To me, it has become a distraction more than anything else. This week alone I have been on four dates with three different people and although they’ve all been nice, I just don’t care for a relationship right now. I also think dating apps force you into dating someone pretty quickly before being friends first so it doesn’t fit into the philosophy that I’ve now subscribed to.
I made a joke last week on my Snapchat that I’ve been asking God to show me what goat he wants me to sacrifice so that I can find the Barack to my Michelle. If you guys have any tips, suggestions, or philosophies that you would like to share, please comment below!
May peace, love, and happiness fill your life! 🙂 ❤
I have a theory that modern day breakups are 10 times as hard as in the olden days when computers and Facebook didn’t exist. Why you ask? Simply stated, it’s because Facebook and social media does not permit the forgive and forget process to go as easily. It is hard to move on when you have to delete those cute pictures that you and your ex-bae took together. Once you do get the courage to delete the pictures, your ex-bae’s profile creeps on you when you see one of his or her posts. Furthermore, some ex-baes do not obey the no-contact rule and still continue to stalk you on LinkedIn (which of course sends notifications of who looked at your profile) and even muster the courage or stupidity to like one of your not so recent Facebook posts. If you’ve been fortunate enough not to experience such selfish acts of friendliness/voyeurism/stalker-ism, then trust me when I say it is unnecessary torture.
My ideal break-up is described well by a Gwen Stefani song that I am obsessed and recently learned to play on the guitar. The song known as “Cool” which has an awesome video that I’ll link below is about being “cool” with your ex no matter what you went through and being happy for them even if that means finding different significant others to be with. My favorite lines come from both the opening and closing verse which I’ll list below.
Opening verse:
It’s hard to remember how it felt before,
Now I found the love of my life…
Passes things get more comfortable,
Everything is going right.
Closing verse:
And I’ll be happy for you if you can be happy for me.
Circles and triangles, and now we’re hangin’ out with your new girlfriend,
So far from where we’ve been,
I know we’re cool. I know we’re cool.
So far, I haven’t experienced this cool-ness with any of my exes but speaking for my own behalf, I am at peace with them. I wouldn’t mind meeting any of my exes’ new girlfriends because I can be happy for them and hope that they would be happy for me too if I found love. But anyway, you guys should seriously watch the video to Gwen Stefani’s song.
Side note: Her platinum blonde hair tempts me to try blonde one day but clearly we do have very different skin tones. Let me know what you think of the video and if you think I could pull of the blonde look.
As you may have not noticed amongst my short dresses and well-crafted hair and make-up, I am a well-seasoned tom boy. My style has become girly over the years but I’ve been a tom boy since childhood. If you want me to prove it, I can show you the scars from racing people on the track, my warning slips from elementary school from associating with a group of rambunctious boys, my lack of poise and avoidance of the color pink for the majority of my life.
So I am sure you are asking, how is life as a tom boy? Don’t you worry because this post will highlight both the advantages and short-comings of associating more with the male species.
So ladies, I would advise you to get a group of male friends to make your dating and financial life better. For those of you who are seasoned tom boys, like me, feel free to comment with your experiences to add to anything I might have missed.
-originally written on August 15, 2010
So…. I am still searching although saying this at the age of 17 sounds so unfitting. but correction i am not searching for “mr.right” at this point in my life i am searching for “mr.right now” which means i want nothing serious. When I go off to college the fling with whatever person I am with will probably end and I am perfectly fine with that.
To recap on how I got from “Martin” to still searching, I’ll remind u that on the last post I said that we never kissed on the first date which was weird and maybe i sabotaged the date by saying “this is awkward” at the moment where he would have kissed me. So the next day he did not call me which was weird because he always texts or calls me everyday which I wouldn’t mind if he didn’t but this was the day after our first date so i felt like something was off.
I decided to call him the next day if he didn’t call and ask him what was up and if we needed to have the “talk”. The next day I wake up at 12:00 to a message from Martin saying “want to hang out at the park later” and the next one saying “to talk”. I texted him back explaining that I am supposed to do school shopping that day and I can give him an answer after i ask my dad what time we are going school shopping. My dad says 3:00 so I eat a snack and ride my bike to the park. I find Martin filling his bottle with water. I avoid eye contact and we sit on a concrete bench across from the wooden swing bench we sat on out 1st hang-out outside of the museum. We greet each other and he asks me how my 4,000 word paper is coming along. I say it’s coming. More talk….blah blah blah. And then to cut to the chase because i know at this point he’s not worth the time since he’s ending this, i say “so what was this all for?” and he says “you know because of yesterday, i was thinking that we are just friends, i don’t know how you feel but i thought it would be best to tell you in person instead of being a jerk and telling you on the phone” so i say “well that’s respectable, that’s good”. I avoid answering the question because if he feels we are just friends after all that has happened then he’s not worth it plus I knew this day would come because we had very few things in common – in fact, we always ended up talking about the same things.
So to change the subject, i say “so you are going to the stand up comedy thing right?” and he says “yes” and i say “that’s good, i don’t think i could have come anyway”. The conversation moves on for like 10 minutes and I want to go home because he is not worth my time anymore. So i say “well i have a lot of stuff to do to day, so i have to go”. Then we hug awkwardly and leave. I go home, call my bestie, and vent telling her that I will be a serial dater from now on-nothing serious maybe even just a make-out partner. No strings attached cause I am too busy right now to even indulge myself.
-originally written August 5, 2010
So I just came home from what? A date? with who you ask?Obama! No not really. But if you guessed Martin, then you are totally right! And am so happy it worked out cause I was so anxious like 5 minutes before he came to pick me up. There wasn’t enough time to call any of my friends to give me a pep talk. So I told myself “get a grip, there’s nothing to lose- If he doesn’t like you or misbehaves then you got to watch a movie free of charge” (since he was paying for the date-at least the most expensive part since I offered to pay for ice cream after the movie).
Anyway let’s start from the beginning. So he shows up at my house at 6:00 or at least my driveway at 6:00 since technically I shouldn’t be dating-you know how Kenyan parents are with wanting you to stay single until you’re like 50 years old. So I walk out of my house in a dark blue skirt and light blue-checkered shirt, and my natural hair tied back in a ponytail. By the way, I am scared that he’ll freak and ask what happened to my hair since the last time he saw me I had long brunette braids. But he doesn’t. I find him standing outside his car waiting for me and I hug him while asking if he had trouble finding the place. He replies “No” and explains that his cross country team runs around my area, so..wasn’t hard.
So we talk about Covert Affairs and Psych which are popular shows right now in the U.S.
We arrive at the movies at 6:30 and then he buys the tickets and we walk in. *mistake he made-not opening the door 4 me but it’s probably because I didn’t give him a chance*.
So we are walking to the theatre room where we are supposed to see Inception and on our way some black dude pops out of nowhere and asks “hey man! where did you get those shoes from” Martin replies “Shoe Station” and the guy thanks him stating that he’s been wanting shoes like that. We then proceed to bursting out laughing because that was just totally uncalled for. So we walk into the theatre with me in the lead and I lead him to the seats all the way at the top/back because I always see couples seating at the top probably for their privacy (especially for make out sessions if there are any). Martin then asks me “do you always sit at the back?” and i say “yes”-although I really don’t , I usually sit at the middle with my brothers. He says “oh ok. I usually sit at the middle”.
So we watch the previews for upcoming movies while waiting for our movie to start which leads to awkward silence and laughs. After about 20 minutes, the movie starts and we are very into it. If you haven’t heard INCEPTION is a mind blowing movie. We don’t even talk except for the occasional “that’s so cool” from him and the “yeah it is” from me. After about two hours, we finish the movie. Martin walks in front and kind of fast for me considering that my thighs are so sore from running 5 miles yesterday. Anyway, he opens the door for me this time and we leave to go eat ice cream across the street. When we get to Marble Slab Creamery, he apparently is really full and isn’t in the mood for ice cream-which i am perplexed by because who is never in the mood for ice cream?! ( I was thinking maybe he just didn’t want me to spend money on him cause he might look like a total douche bag in front of all the workers and customers). So I order my rocky road which is made of -walnuts, chocolate chips, chocolate ice cream and marshmallows. While waiting for the workers to mix it up, I ask ” so what did you eat that made you so full?”
Martin-“a panini”
Me-“a panini? that shouldn’t make you so full”
Martin-“it was a really big panini-cause i made it at home”
Me-“okay if you say so”
So i get my rocky road pay the $5 and we go sit all the way at the back of the shop since I hate people staring at me. The conversations are less awkward than before as we talk about my so-called allergies to nuts. And then my real allergy to red ants. On another tangent, we discuss christmas in the Summer in Kenya, white christmas in Germany, locker situations at our school and of course how cool the movie was.
I finish my ice cream. We leave and on our drive back to my house, we talk about other random things such as how far i’ve gotten with my school work (like my 4,000 word paper that I have to write in a week or so because I procrastinated over the summer). Finally we get to my house. He stops the car and there is…awkward silence. He unbuckles his seat belt which totally throws me off-am like wondering what is he going to do? kiss me? hug me?
And he’s like “so…”
and i am like “so…this is awkward”
“why do you have to make it awkward”
“cause I am really bad at goodbyes”
“i am used to them because of the move from Germany and stuff”
“yeah..i’ve never gotten used to them”
“so Saturday there is that comedy thing I was telling you about and if you want to go..let me know if you are not busy with your school stuff”
and i am like yes!score!Date #2 . but what i say is” well i am going to this graduating thing this Friday”
“graduation? isn’t high school over”
“no college like the nurses are graduating right now”
“oh ok”
“and so unless the graduate wants to host an all-weekend part. I should be able to go. just let me know the time and stuff”
“ok i can do that”
“so.. i guess talk to you later” and we hug.
I walk away and I guess he’s still looking at me walking away since he doesn’t drive away.
Anyway the night ended nicely as I found mbuzi/goat for dinner although my mom who i guess i can’t fool as she immediately exclaimed “oh you look nice! -like you just came from a date” and i say “i am not a lesbian. i was just going out with my girl friend from school” and she’s like “well back in the day we used to tell our parents we were going out with Mary when we were really going out with Martin” and my mind is like who is this mindreader that possessed my mom?
Anyway I was such in a good mood that my mom was like “you should go out more. It seems to make you happy” and i say “yeah. I would if you gave me money”
So I eat my goat. post on Facebook something general about the night. Later I see that Martin liked my post and so I proceeded to like his less general post about the night.
I probably won’t go to the comedy thing because of all the things I have to do for school work but I will definitely keep you guys posted on what happens with Martin.
-originally written July 19, 2010
So I think, this week, I was supposed to talk about interracial relationships and what has happened with Martin thus far. Well, the funny thing is that my African American friend and I just happened to be talking about this last week and so it should be fresh on my mind. So the question was: why are there not more interracial relationships; why are people so scared? Well I think people are usually not against interracial dating themselves but are usually afraid to engage in it because of what other people will think-whether it be friends, family, or suspicious onlookers in the street. Personally, I feel open towards interracial dating-obviously; however, my plan is to try to find someone within the Kenyan community first before I venture outside. Which in my case there aren’t any Kenyan boys my age where I live and so I have no choice but to venture out of my race bubble.
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